Two Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today, I was sitting at a hospital bedside holding the hand of the love of my life, watching him struggle to stay alive...a broken mess. It was the start of a long and painful journey that even now when I look back, I find hard to comprehend. My life NOW is so busy...I really don't know how I got through the day to day repetition of each phase of mine and Danny's journey. Well I suppose I do know...when that knock comes at your door, and someone you love is hurt and their life is at stake, everything else just collapses by the wayside. Your priorities shift dramatically...you move robotically through the hours as they turn to days, then weeks and eventually months. That's how it was for me. The hours and weeks when machines kept him going as he lie "sleeping"...the infections that wracked him and repeatedly took back all the headway he gained each time...the awakening process, the wild thrashing in bed while I tried to contain him and protect him...the emotional roller coasters of dealing with doctors and family...the struggle to maintain a continuum of life for the rest of my family...for my children.  Little by little the awful things became replaced with joyous things...hearing first words, seeing first steps, watching emotions go from crazy to more even-keeled, leaps and bounds of physical progress...feeding tube and trach coming out followed by drinking and eating again. Steps toward problem solving, reasoning...endlessly pushing in a wheel chair, then even more endlessly walking, walking, walking...falling into bed every night exhausted, scared, hopeful, angry, happy, hurt...always a huge spectrum of emotions...crying...laughing...

As weeks became months and Danny was back home with me, there were the hour long trips back n forth to rehab in Allentown three times a week...car rides that were often nerve-wracking...numerous stops so he could get out of the car and move around...taking the inside of the car apart all the way down and back...listening to his emotional outbursts...physical therapy sessions going well...cognitive sessions not so well...months of working just to remember a date, phone number...pictures on papers...when and what did he eat, what did he do an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago. Many things that til this day haven't gotten much better. The wild confabulative stories his brain had him believe were true situations...his fifteen lost cars, his missing sums of money and credit cards, tools, cds, stereo equipment...driving around all hours of the day and night looking for things that simply didn't exist...approaching friends and relatives over and over...me trying to be sure people he came in contact with understood what he was going through...small bursts of success, followed by gradual declines in emotional areas...

My saving grace was the brain injury support group i'd connected with...with spouses, girl friends, parents, all going through different stages of what was for the most part the same journey. After day time and its dolling out of medications, doctor and psych visits, struggling to encourage a good diet, dealing with ramblings and emotional outbursts...when he was tucked in bed for the night, it was my support group friends who helped me maintain some semblance of sanity. They took my frantic phone calls or messages...supported, prayed, shared their own hardships...

As time went on it became clear that Danny was regressing. He was filled with anger, confusion, and his emotional state was worsening. He was having more and more bouts of loss of control, and doing erratic things...behaviorally he was affecting my family more and more. I could see that there had to be a change...an end to it. It broke my heart...especially when we had long talks about it and he himself tried to convince me that we both knew it had to stop. He didn't want to hurt anyone...he was lost. For several months we discussed it over and over...not ever wanting to let each other go, yet both knowing it was what was going to have to happen. And so along that path we moved...making a gradual break...him leaving to live with his family and coming home just for visits. After some time even that had to end...

The paths of our journey eventually separated...because they had to...the way they were meant to I suppose. I will always love Danny with all my heart...I know that will never change...but my life has had to change. I will always look back on this incredible journey as a gift in a way...a very valuable life experience. I witnessed agony, miracles, faith, the power of prayer, the strength of love. The tragedy of traumatic brain injury can be cruel. For me though, I realized there is always a reason...a higher plan, brought on by the things that occur in our lives. The pain and tears bring us through to the other side...toward where we were meant to be today. I was led to a new side of my life...a new conception of myself...I was shown that the purpose of two paths crossing sometimes isn't well understood until long after. My heart continues to ever so slowly mend...it's taking time...a long time. 

Two years ago today I lost someone I love very much...there is no grave to visit...I can only visit my memories...

Attempts

Your longing for Me

 is my message to you.

All your attempts to reach Me
Are in reality

 my attempts to reach you ♥

-unknown author

Will Always...

I will always want you...

we both know our love will never die, 

no matter what anyone else wants or says. 

I feel lost without you so often,

 yet strangely, 

because of you,

 I'm NOT lost anymore without you. 

You are a vital chapter in my life t

hat i've needed to go on reading past...

because my life and my family's lives, must go on.

 But you are always only a thought, 

a smile,

 a breath,

 a heartbeat away from me. 

What we say must be for always now, 

doesn't mean it always will mean the same thing a year, 2 years or 10 years from now.

You were my first love, and my last lover.

The space where we touched is sacred, 

and will lie dormant

 as my life goes on separate from, yet parallel to, yours, 

as I go on through and to new things...

and perhaps God willing,

 by chance of some miracle I refuse to stop believing in,

 life and love will lead us back to one another... someday. 

Then what is still together yet apart,

 will be whole again. 

Thank you for the gifts you unknowingly gave me sweetheart...

I LOVE YOU...

" ♥ LIKE ♥ SHARE ♥ TAG ♥ ". THANK YOU! ♥

Sad Realization (Sept 2012)

That sad realization
 that just because you love someone,
 it doesn't mean they will ever change, 
that you can ever be together again for your own good, 
and perhaps that you are and will always remain better off without them. 
It hurts like a bed of nails, 
but that doesn't mean the pain will last forever...
time heals the deepest wounds...
and healing comes by living day to day doing the very best you can...

All it Takes is a Song (Sept 2012)

I hate it when I think I'm getting strong, 
and then all it takes is a song, 
to surround and envelope me in memories...
and within moments 
all I see is blur on the outside,
 all I see is his face on the inside, 
and my face becomes the canvas 
for a pallet 
of colorless,
 salty tears :-(

No Matter How Far (Aug 2012)

No matter how far I come...no matter how better I live...no matter what I do to change life and experiences...altho it all is good and makes me feel happy and alive...when I'm all alone, I know that no one realizes I am truly dying of a br

oken heart. One true love in my entire life, and so much gone thru both before and after a horrific accident, and now we can't be together because it just isn't what is right for those around us...and becuz his brain is locked in limbo and disillusion and confusion. I had to walk away...but part of me is gone...everyone thinks I'm fine....but i'm not at all :-(
...and when you think there just arent any more tears left to cry...oh believe me when I say...the tears just come and come.

 I keep asking myself, how do I mourn this "death" when in reality he is alive. I have so much anger as well. Thing is even tho he is a completely different person, our love didnt change. He is still him, just different, and I could accept that, but I can't bring him back home due to his behaviors. I just keep praying and hoping he gets better, someday, even if it takes years.....

Short n Sweet (August 2012)

I realized there is no short sweet answer...
nor one wrong or right...
he says, "are we together?"
..."well no," I say
"then we AREN'T together?"
..."correct...I.mean NO," I answer
He pauses...
"Well then...what exactly are we?"
My eyes fill up
..."I don't know...I only know I love you...."

Today I'm Grateful for...

Today I'm grateful for: family n friends who love me, understand me, stand by me, don't judge me...for the one's who listen to me cry because I love and miss Danny and didn't want this brain injury/bipolar mess to end the way it has, and don't say things like "I tried to tell you" or "you shoulda known" or "he's rotten" or "you were too good for him"...for those who supported and prayed for

 us thru this long incredible journey. For those who even if they don't or can't understand what's going on listen and at least try to without judgement. I'm grateful for my precious little boy who is now the biggest inspiration of my life, and for my daughter who listens and always says something to show she cares how i'm feeling, and my 21yr old son who even when pushed well beyond frustration and anger stood by me quietly and respected me enough to allow me to feel my way thru the dark, held my hand to help me be strong, and I know understands what I still feel. I am grateful for my pets lol who give me their unconditional love no matter how horrible I feel, look or act.  I'm very grateful for all the new friends I have made along the way as well as  recently....good, normal, talented, intelligent, insightful, dedicated, balanced and healthy people. I'm grateful I finally, after living half my life, was able to experience the wildest, truest, and most genuine love possible, and I'm grateful for all that that love taught and still continues to teach me, about my life and about myself, my worth, my capability to be strong...and I'm grateful for my very life and all the spirits who are opening up the world to guide me....

Ten Days

Its been 10 days since I've heard from Danny...at all. After receiving upwards of 75 texts and voice mails/day for almost 2 mo. it is disturbing to me. I know how totally obsessed he is with talking to me. No one has let me know he is ok, and I'm worried. But I won't call, lest I be accused of contacting him first and making it harder for his family.
Three weeks ago, my resistance and strength gave out. His daily pleading with me to see him, combined with my own just plain loving and missing him...I went to he and his mom's house. We spent the afternoon napping together, laughing and talking. It felt wonderful for us both. However, it probably was not a wise choice. I know his immediate family didn't like it, although of course no one called and told me that. Truth be told, my view at the time was that we are adults, and I would deal with any consequences. Being kept apart will not change how I feel...in fact will make me more apt to keep tabs on his welfare. Anyway, my suspicion is that his cell was either hidden or taken away so that we can not talk. Like he is a little kid...something I know people with brain injuries detest. I can't imagine for the life of me why else the calls would abruptly stop. Oh I know...he has little impulse control and inhibition, and it is a fact that his out of control behavior caused me to have to legally remove him from my home...but it had to be done that way because he doesn't listen or comprehend when enough is enough and no means no.
Perhaps it is better for us both that all contact has ceased. Its just that my love for him hasn't died in the least, and although the constant ringing and beeping of my cell was annoying, I at least knew how he was doing...that he was getting on ok. Now I'm actually angry, because knowing him as I do, I know there is something else going on.
I hope he knows that I will never stop loving him, praying for him...praying for a miracle in his life...

One True Love...

Been thinking for many months now abt having something done...
something I'll have forever as a profession of my love...
something a few ppl may say is stupid and not something a future partner would want to look at...


Well, here's the thing.


 There was one time only in my entire life that I was/am in love...
 I'm not looking anymore for a "future partner."
 I've experienced all the facets of relationships and sex in my lifetime that I want or need to...
I've been single, married, separated...will be divorced. 
I've had 3 children and a grandchild.
 I've had joy and hurt,
 love and hate, 
being poor, and success and extra money.
 I've had good boyfriends and clingy not so good ones. 
I've had commitments, and i've had one night stands.
 I've had sickness and health.
 I've made good and bad decisions. 
Its been a colorful life and I really and truly have no regrets...
I have resolved to spend the rest of my life living my dreams and doing what makes myself and the world around me happy...
BUT...
 when I think of the word LOVE, its his eyes I see, his voice I hear, his arms I imagine feeling, our warmth together I remember. 
He is the one person who was able to "save" me from myself, in ways too intricate to even explain.
 And he's the one with whom I felt my first as well as last true love. 
Things went awry, and we had a most difficult set of circumstances...but thats ok,
 cuz I still believe in miracles. 
I've seen real ones many times. 
If the Higher Power in my life sees fit, maybe we will be together again someday...
and if he doesnt see fit...which is more likely...
I'm ok with that as well...

It will say: "One True Love...Danny"

Happy Birthday Danny!

Today is Danny's 31st birthday. Altho we have known one another for years, and became close friends, we officially became inseparable in early May 0f 2009. I was at his house every chance I could get, and then he started coming to my house as well for days at a time, and eventually moved in. I remember spending his 28th birthday with him that first year. I gave him some silly card about friendship that day, because I felt like I had found some sort of soul-mate in him. I just loved being with him so very much, because of the deep and interesting conversations we had, the crazy silly antics we enjoyed, and the insight he always seemed to have about things. We both knew our age difference was a tad odd, but we were just friends, so who cared? lol. Yet our self-proclaimed "just friendship" was obviously more than that...we were always from day one, able to share our most private thoughts and feelings, and without embarrassment or shame. And getting to his place in the mornings after leaving my night shift job just so I could fall asleep in the crook of his shoulder with my ear over his heart, was a sinful delight I could never get enough of. Yes, of course there was some lust involved for both of us...maybe a fair amount of infatuation initially. We openly discussed the risks of becoming involved in that way...but it just became so natural. We told each other as well as ourselves that it was just another facet of our very unique friendship. Ha! 
As time went on, well...they say you don't know a man til you live with him. How true. And Danny had a personality that could test Mother Teresa's patience. For as amazing and lovable as he could be, he could be equally sarcastic and awful. But I suppose it was too late, for I was falling hopelessly in love. Withstanding the test of time, I grew to love and understand all the sides of him. He made a definite footprint on my life, on my little boy's life...on our hearts. Through personality struggles and challenges, he sought help with bipolar and OCD difficulties, and we traveled a rocky road together. His life was no less perfect than my own. We grew better together. Apart for a short while and then back together, he celebrated another birthday. Then the Dec. 2010 car accident...
As I spent hours, days and weeks at his side through a fight for his life and traumatic brain injury, I began to realize what our love really meant. I could not have been any more devoted to him than I was. For a couple weeks we didn't know if he would ever return to a normal physical capacity. I was prepared to bring him home no matter what his condition, and care for him no matter what it would take...whether he couldn't walk or talk...it didn't matter to me. Danny had no one in his life anymore...he'd chased them all away and built huge walls to hide behind. But he didn't hide from me. He didn't put on an act or a facade...and it was part of why I loved him so. There were no walls between us.
He did make an excellent physical recovery. It was truly miraculous. We celebrated his 30th birthday thrilled with how well he was doing. Unfortunately, the cognitive portion of his recovery didn't progress well. The initial many months of total amnesia and wild beliefs and disbeliefs, improved only to be replaced with a severe decline in his previous mental health difficulties. I spent all my time and energy desperately trying to find help for him, and could sense an explosive situation forming. He finally became just too much for me to safely handle and the situation worsened, culminating in the need to have his immediate family take over his care. I didn't want things to go in the direction or to the extreme that they did, but I had to make a choice for myself and my family. I had to totally disengage. 
As I look back on all of this, I find myself questioning my own sensibleness and rationality. Logic tells me that what has happened is in a total state of disrepair. I know with every intelligent bone in my body, that the relationship has evolved to a place where it will never be what it was. Yet there's this small voice inside me...inside my heart, that can not let go. My family, my friends, Danny's family...everyone has an opinion...ranging everywhere from understanding and support, to cold hateful statements. But that little voice...the one in my heart that says I can never completely let go...it's the voice of love. How do you quiet that voice? HOW??? How do you stop missing someone who is never really coming "back"...how do you mourn the death of someone you love, when in truth they are still very much alive?
Tonight, after not hearing Danny's voice for 2 months, he sent a voice mail saying "I miss you"  My heart lept...and the tears flowed. I was however, quickly reminded of traumatic brain injury's effect on him...he continued texting me for over 3 hrs...a somewhat juxtaposed collection of random statements about this and that...and I tried to explain as best I could why we must continue on the separate paths we are on...for now anyway...maybe always. He doesn't really understand. But my happiness tonight is that I know he has his phone back in working order, and I was able to get my desperate message to him that my love will never die, and our friendship will remain like the rock it always was, and that I will forever be there for him. (How can it be wrong to tell someone you love them?) and I can wish him Happy Birthday :-)

My Part of Our Journey Goes on Because I Choose...

    Its been almost 2mo. since I've written here.
It hasn't been easy. Danny's bail was so high that he couldn't post it. Then there was a somewhat complicated ordeal of turning all his funds back in to Social Security and relinquishing payee status to his mom.  During his time in jail, he called endlessly...but over time the calls slowed and all but stopped. 
    I have tried moving on...unsuccessfully. I even accepted a dinner invitation or two from an older gentleman who liked me a lot. But it felt wrong, and when I tried to stress that all I wanted was a friendship for a long while but he seemed to be moving too quickly, I had to withdraw completely, hurting him I'm sure in the process. It only served to tell me I was not ready to move on, because I still love Danny so very much. Bombarded with either spoken or implied demands that I leave this all behind...even telling MYSELF that...it wasn't and isn't happening. And as the weeks have passed recently, and after an emotional week of soul-searching, I came to a realization...I don't HAVE to stop loving him. I'm the boss of my life and my heart, and i'm a big girl...So I'm done trying to force myself into a road leading further away fom Danny. My posts on Facebook over the past harrowing days have painted this picture clearly, and I feared for my emotional sanity very much so, until I made a decision....


MAY 14th, 2012

And the parts that hurt the most are that I truly believe there wouldve been no end for us if not for what happened to you...it isnt even mostly your fault abt messing up...and I do miss you all the time, everywhere I go, every place I see. We WERE best friends, long before anything else. You taught me so much, changed my life in so many ways, and when you knew the end was coming when things were spinning out of control, you even tried to tell me how to go on without you, and told me to make sure I take my time and have some time to myself to breath and to live. You loved me that much you told me how much you wanted me to be happy and not be burdened with you any more. Well, you WERENT a burden. Idk if i'll EVER let you go...I love you so much and all this hurts so bad. If I had just one more night to listen to your heart, that heart that almost died but lived...if I could just go back in time, maybe something could have been done differently. The odds were against us, against you, from the start. Its just another usual night where I lie down wishing you were here and crying my eyes out for you... :-( 

May 15th, 2012

At this point I feel like taking a BIIIIGGG breath and going back into battle to fight for Danny. This is the man I love. If I cant do anything, even from afar, then so be it, but my gut instincts are telling me that love is worth fighting for, and if someone you love has become compromised, and theres no one else to fight for them...how can I sit back in this pain and not wonder if it is a sign that I am supposed to DO something. This could get weird and ugly, and idk what will happen, but I KNOW now what I want to fight for..its my kids, and after that its Danny. I would only hope and pray that if i were in the shoes he is in, someone would love me enough to fight for me.. :-(

May 17th, 2012

Been a bad few days for me (and PMS plus quitting smoking doesnt help)...been a lot of emotional clutter to get through, a ton of crying, and soul-searching. Also much meditation, weighing of options, discussions with ppl who understand, and coming to terms. And a fair amount of "avoidance sleeping" also. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I realize and accept that I need to maintain my distance from Danny, at least for the immediate future...but that does NOT mean I have to stop loving him, no matter who says I must or should, or tries to push me. This is the reason I havnt been able to let go, the reason I cant move on. I cant allow feeling lonely for who I love, to force me into situations offering comfort, and then when I realize with more of a vengeance that its not what I want, drag ppl's feelings through the mud. Altho it sounds cliche, after all the time that has passed, if someone you love wont go out of your mind, they must have a reason for being there! And I am patient, and willing to wait, and if the time never comes to be together again, so be it...but I can and will have a full-filling life in the meantime, and if its meant that the love fades, it will fade...on its own...not cuz others in my life say it has to! Also, I've come to realize, that I want to continue to advocate for him in any way I can, and offer his mom my support and help. She isn't mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with it all on her own, and she doesnt have the experience and knowledge that I have in dealing with it either. So I feel that whats been missing is that I was 100% in with both feet, before the accident, and then after, with the coma, and the long recovery and all the experiences, and time spent, and love and devotion...and I held his very life in my hands....and now nothing...So this is where I stand right now. Call me crazy, but why then do I suddenly feel so AT PEACE???

Sooo...I know it's best not to have contact with Danny...for maybe a long time...but I won't deny my love anymore. And I feel in my heart that he needs me...or at least the help I can offer him out of my love and concern for him. He's not the only one this has happened to. Several of my friends in brain injury support have told me tales this week of FAR worse behavior problems during recovery. And after 3 or so years, they are much better...and very different. So, I know friends and family may think my feelings are foolish, but I don't think they are at all. All I am simply saying, is that our love was strong...mine is strong. We may NEVER hold one another again, and thats ok, but I don't have to force something to die that clearly isn't. I don't want a relationship with another man...I'm NOT putting away the pictures in my bedroom of Danny and I, and I will focus on living a full-filling life for my kids and I. Only God knows the future. Its not up to me or anyone else to map that out...

This is my part of our journey...

Crisis

    Danny went home willingly that Monday morning. It took MUCH coaxing and reminding. In order to get him to leave with his mom that day I even told him that if he always behaved as well as he had, he could visit and stay again...not right away, but again. Once he was home the endless texts and voicemails began again.

    Wednesday I received texts from Danny's sister Kim that he had "snapped out" and grabbed her and hit her. She said the cops were coming to remove him. I called her in a while, my stomach churning, and she told me the police were telling her they could not take him to a mental health facility. I asked to speak to the officer and asked why he could not be involuntarily committed, and they said because he was calm in front of them. Kim text later and said the police were taking he and his mom to the hospital to try and get him in. She said she was "done" with him and that he could no longer live there. I can't say I blamed her...I knew what a handful he was, and she has two small kids in the house.
    I felt, and still feel this was brought on because his mom took it upon herself to bring him to my house. Now he had all that in his mind, and it was working on him. I don't know, to this day, what to think about it.
    It turned out by later in the day, that the hospital would not admit him, even after he took a swing at his mom in the hospital. He called his uncle in my town to come get him, and by evening he was in my town, and walked to my house and in the front door, smiling and saying "I'm home." GREAT...
    Back in January the police told me when they came, that because his address was here, they couldn't make him leave and neither could I. I sat Danny down that Wednesday night and tried to explain over and over, that he couldn't stay here, and we had to figure something out. He had it in his mind that because I'm his power of attorney, I somehow signed his whole life over to myself and was obligated until eternity to care for him. In reality the POA was so that I could make medical decisions and sign papers, since I was the only one involved with his care. That night in bed he talked crazily again, threatening suicide and other strange comments. Thursday morning I talked at length on the phone with mental health crisis. He had a psychiatrist appointment that day at 2pm, and they told me to bring him and they would get him admitted somewhere while we were there. All the way to the appointment he questioned me about what was going to happen. I was honest and told him I didn't know. He started to threaten me...
    Once there, we talked together and apart, with the psychiatrist and the nurse. She had me do something so awful for me...to just leave him there and then crisis would take him. He went into a room to sign papers and I left and headed for home. I cried all the way. My son happened to text me that he had run out of gas, and so I went a half-hour in the other direction to take gas to my son's car. When I was almost home the nurse called me and told me that crisis didn't take him, and he called a cab and was heading to my house. When I got here, there he was, in my house, with a cab out front waiting to get paid. I was so beside myself now. I called the police station....again they told me, as before, there was nothing I could do. Oh my God, what was I going to do. His moodiness and agitation was increasing steadily as well. I was so confused. My kids were in the forefront of my mind. My older son had had it with Danny's loss of control, and had no patience or tolerance left. He was tired of seeing the drama and wanted me to make a clean sweep for my own and the whole family's good. Still though, he was calm and waited until I was ready.
    We got through Friday...Danny spent the day on my brand new computer downloading all sorts of unneeded and unecessary things and all kinds of error messages were cropping up. Saturday this continued. He also was ordering out for food over and over and asking me to buy him expensive cigarettes and cigars. It was his money, yes, but as his soc. sec. payee it was my job to see he spent money wisely. It was just an impossible situation. At one point I kept asking him to leave and go to his uncle's and he refused. He wrestled my cell out of my hands when he thought I was calling the cops. I went down to the police station Sat. afternoon and asked them to at least come talk to him. I told them something was going to go wrong....but they couldn't...or wouldn't.
    Saturday evening it came to a head. Danny was trying to take over something I was trying to straighten out on the computer. He made a fist in front of my face, and when I asked him not to, he gave me a quick jab to the eye. It didn't hurt, but it was somehow all the further I needed or wanted to go with this. I hollered for my son, he called the police,they looked at my eye, which now had a big lump under it, and they took Danny out. My heart hurt so bad. I just couldn't believe things were like this now.
    Turns out they kept him in custody about 20 minutes and dropped him at his uncle's, but it was after midnight and he couldn't get in. For 2 1/2 hrs he texted and called. He seemed to have no realization about what was happening. At 3am he was tapping on the back door, and at 3:15 he busted the door down. This time the police took him to jail. Myself, my sons and my son's girlfriend had to go to the station and write statements. This was the end....

    Since that night, 13 days as of today (Mar. 24), he has been in jail. He has no where to go, so at least he is warm, has food and a bed to sleep in. I have had to go to court twice in this 13 days, to obtain a protection order. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to go this road. As much reality about Danny as I can see, I still love him....I don't know how to make that go away.


I will most likely write one more post after this...Danny's story is not....CAN not be mine anymore. The journey we have been on will always be there, for me anyway. It's been a tragic story...one I hope other families don't have to go through. It's been a different story than most....

A Book Must Close

Bittersweet time together...I had missed him so very much. My family was shocked and annoyed to see him there. I had promised them this was over, but here we were again. Danny was pretty well-behaved, but moody, and I basically just went along with irrational comments and behavior in order to keep things smooth. A voice in my head was screaming louder and louder how wrong this was. Dangerous actually. But I was still clinging to the now destroyed idea that my love for him could make a difference...bring some great change. I knew the reality, but I wasn't ready to accept it. Lying in bed that night, I kept thinking that this was our last one...I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart all night. I never slept. In the morning, which was Sunday, his mom called to tell him he could stay one more night and Danny's uncle would take them home Monday morning. I remember wondering why I wasn't being given any choice in this. I text his sister, who told me she had told her mom that this was a real bad idea and that her mom had said she "didn't care" 

I was starting to realize other things as well...mine and Danny's relationship wasn't a normal healthy one even before his accident. Oh I loved him to death, but I barely coped with his personality flaws and dysfunctions a lot of the time. With the memory loss and no sense of time passage or sequencing, it was worse. I'd been laid off from my job for months, but he accused me of saying I went to work but went out with other guys. I couldn't go to the store without being called half a dozen times and/or questioned of my where-abouts. The wives of the brain-injured I talked to were going through the same things, and it was I suppose "easier" for me to blame all his behaviors on brain injury, but in all honesty, these were things I had dealt with all along and which were improving with medication before the crash. And at night before falling asleep...he talked crazy...at times psychotically. I knew I was entering the final chapter of a book that must close.

Early March 2012:A final Chapter Begins

    It had been over a month and a half since Danny left here for the last time...I thought it was the last time. I had seen and talked to him last over a month before. While away he had overflowed my cell with texts and voice mails every single day...apologies, promises, pleas, demands, threats and mostly just highly confused babble. You have no idea....every day for hours and hours... EVERY day!! It got so that I didn't text back or pick up his calls at all...when I did it was nonsense talk and demands to come home, arguing or confused banter about all sorts of things that were total UNreality. I turned my phone to silent much of the time, actually joked that I was "hiding" from my cell...So I read texts daily that either broke my heart and made me cry, or angered me tremendously. I listened to voice mails that made me want to throw my arms around him and just hold him til his pain went away....and many that made me very fearful of his actions.

    This brain injury stuff...its just so painful. When you think of it, the brain is where we live, its our persona, our being...who we are. It governs the smallest things from blinking when you see a gnat coming toward your eye, or making a decision when driving a car, knowing a fork goes into the food and progresses to your mouth, to detailing everything you are as a person...if you cut off someones head, there is just a body...the "person" is gone.
   
    There were always a million texts from Danny saying he was going to show up at my door. I ignored them knowing his mom and sister wouldn't let him take a cab or something to actually do it. For over a month and a half his sister and I had gone to tremendous lengths to meet away from the house so that I could take some of his money to her when he needed it...we used extreme caution. I continued scheduling his appointments but they took him to the few that were close by. I oversaw his medication changes. I tried to give my understanding and support to his family, but I knew deep down everything for us was ending. The last few times we had seen each other the time was sweet...until I had to leave. Trying to smack me, grabbing me, yelling, refusing to get out of my car so I could leave. We truly were at an impasse. But that particular Thursday and Friday he was texting and leaving voice mails saying his uncle (in my town) has cancer and he and his mom were coming up to stay the weekend and he would be arriving at my house.
I had the oddest feeling and fear that he would be here. I somehow instinctively knew it was a bad idea. We were going through a detachment process...well I was anyway. I didn't want him at the house anymore. I was not prepared to have Nick witness any more outlandish or violent behavior. I had made a decision last episode and needed to stick to it. I believed his family had the good sense to realize that first of all, I did not want him at the house, and to respect that, and more than that, how hard they were going to make it on Danny by bringing him and making him leave again. At 2pm, my front door opened and there they were...he and his mom. She was as cool as a cucumber, telling me they were staying in town the weekend and did I want her to stay WITH Danny. My first response was "What's the deal here? This is a bad idea. We will never get him to leave." She proceeded to chastise him as though he were a little boy, telling him not to "carry on" and to "be good". As she went on and on it frustrated Danny and he started stamping his feet and yelling at her to shut up. She said they were going home Sunday, and his reply was, "Doesn't mean I am."  I knew then I was going to have a real dilemma.

Transitions

     On January 17th, after having Danny visiting here for a tad over a week, we had an "incident" where he got out of hand and really frightened me, as well as Nick, and I had to take action which involved calling the police to the house. Everything was so good for all the days he stayed, but due to his impulsiveness and rapid mood changes, well...unfortunately I knew it could or would happen. I put off taking him home, I know...I wanted him to stay longer, but there were passing moments when I also wanted to take him back home. After the incident mentioned above, I was forced to decide that bringing him to the house could not be an option anymore...at least not for now.
    This has been the very hardest thing to go through so far. The first few days and week, I seriously felt I needed to completely cut ties. I was prepared to do that even though it hurt us both tremendously...but as time went on the deeper reality became apparent...for close to three years, I have been all Danny's had in his life. He had drifted away from his family and those bonds were now only beginning to rebuild because of and since his accident. He has had no friends left...but for me. Then there has been this past year since the wreck, and all we have gone through. I mean, to really sit down and digest it all...it's been a hellish, full, frustrating, and yet in so many ways, beautiful journey. I've said before, I continue to consider this journey a gift...an experience that I would never trade away.....But anyway, although there is no marriage binding us, I realize...recognize, that there is something much stronger...more vital...binding us. There is friendship first and foremost, as the foundation...we have something there that many don't have. Then we have the relationship that we built upon that friendship...as crazy and unorthodox as it seemed/seems to others (and personally, I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about that anymore at this point.) Then the accident...when I really and truly became "in touch" with my true feelings for Danny. I discovered that he wasn't just a mid-life crisis/fling with a younger guy. I came to understand, that this was a human being I connected with...that with understanding and dealing with his "quirkiness", he also understood ME and dealt with mine as well. I felt love like I'd never experienced it before...the kind of undying love that would cause me to put my entire life on hold to grasp his hand and try to pull him through. The weeks and months following the accident...OMG...just filled to the brim with challenges and victories and heartaches...with pressures and problems and paperwork...with obstacles, laughter and dedication to someone I love, and who to me, IS WORTH going the extra mile for. We have been through so much together...and it just is not as simple as people who care about me, THINK it should be. It's not just a boyfriend/girlfriend break-up issue. I have taken on a responsibility. By being at his side since the day of the accident, every day...watching every step, every therapy, meeting with every doctor, being the one attending every appointment, obtaining power-of-attorney so that I could have full rights to assist at my fullest...I mean, it goes on and on. But by being that person, I am now who kind of holds his life in the palm of my hand. Yes, as I've been told...."his family is now responsible for him, not you"...that's all well and good, and I really have to hand it to them...despite the various challenges in their own lives, they ARE stepping up to the plate to do what they can for him. But the problem is, I don't know...I guess I feel that I have traveled this road with him, and I just can't walk away...nor do I want to. The key phrase here being I DON'T WANT TO. I could wash my hands of him...I could gather my 50lb bag of records and paperwork, hand it to his mom with a list of his doctors and meds and "what do we do now?" lists...I could drop the power of attorney...the being payee for his disability...I could give him a big fat sloppy farewell kiss on the cheek and say "Ok, you guys are all on your own...cuz I'm outta here" 

I can't....I love him...hell, I even care alot for his  mom and sister. I feel badly...I under estimated them.

    So here we are...oh, he is driving me nuts, dont get me wrong...endless...I mean ENDLESS confused calls, voicemails, conversations, and yes, I am a tad frightened of him at times even. I've done a lot of reading past few days, about psychosis and effects of brain injury...it effects some people, unfortunately, in a more severe way...but it CAN heal. I know there is a man inside his heart, that through all his walls of protection and and acting all strong and "untouchable"...IS capable of healing and who loves me. I felt it today, when he thought I was sleeping on his bed, and he spent a long time stroking my face and kissed me on the forehead.  And when I see the joy in his face when he hasn't seen me for a week, and his face lights up like a Christmas tree. And i've felt it so much over the past year as well. I feel and see things that can not be faked... things you feel right down in the center of your tummy...feelings you just know are worthwhile and genuine.

    I plan on not...maybe never...living with him...I mean, from what people in my brain injury support group tell me, there are years left for change and improvement...even almost complete healing...so I should never say never...but for now, given the circumstances,my life, my kids...I also know fully that I need to go on with my own life now...but I can certainly parrellel my life with his. Maybe we will drift apart as he recovers and regains his independance. That's ok too. I will know I got to experience one of life's greatest joys...simply unconditionally loving someone... 

My Biggest Heartaches- 1/09/12

    My biggest heartaches...not knowing if Danny will ever "make it" in life...my missing him soooo much...my awful feelings inside because of my promise to him that this was his home forever (but now that had to change)...the mourning that comes with brain injury because it literally steals away the person you knew and replaces them with a different individual.

    At the point Danny's at right now...recovery-wise...he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him that needs any sort of treatment. His memory is fine. He doesn't see what we see...not knowing what we talked about just an hour ago and so forth.
   
    Right now it's the being apart that is hurting us. I miss him desperately...I feel so lonely without him. Then I wonder if that is a severe sign of co-dependance. I don't know. I just know I hate all this, and that I promised him his home was here...and would always be...and now look! Last night I actually kinda melted down thinking of that. I thought I was all cried out...no...the tears keep regenerating I guess.

    Then there's the issue of him coming to stay over-night. Everything goes well, but past 48hrs it starts to get weird, with him getting an attitude of sorts. And this past Friday when I took him home (he had stayed 3 nights out of necessity due to an appt. being changed) I had a really hard time with him when I tried to leave him at his sister's house. It actually turned into a brawl of sorts. I made up my mind I wouldn't be coming for him until Tuesday when I got off work, but he has been calling me and BEGGING for me to come for him. I'm heartbroken, and all this doesn't make it easier. I know guys can and will say things to try to change your mind, but the problem is that I really don't think he understands what is going on fully. I know he is lost in a world of confusion. Today on the phone he was asking again if I would come get him and bring him home, so he can sleep in our bed and "smell" me, and saying that we have created something together and he needs me. GOD if I thought things would change, I would bring him home and keep him in an instant, but I KNOW we have to push forward with what we are doing. I only wish and hope and pray that the rehab accepts him and that he agrees to go...and stays. Maybe with 90 days of intense therapy he would be better...

    I have more or less come to realize that he may or may not get any better. I feel I have failed...but I know I really shouldn't. Because of his lack of memory about our past almost 3 years, I thought maybe he would just "slide" with this and accept the new direction we are trying to push him into...but it doesn't seem to be going that way. He is suddenly now realizing what has occurred...gradually seeing the gravity of it all. What I wanted him to understand before we came to this point...he is seeing now...when it's a tad too late.

    My heart aches for him. I just wish there was a miracle cure...the God that answered all our prayers in keeping him alive...that God that I would hope can do ANYTHING...why can't he help Danny out of this endless maze...this trap?

   
   

January 5th, 2012

     A rental house Danny and his mom were "sure to get" for next week, fell through yesterday. It sounded to us like the landlady didn't want to rent to them due to his disability...a lot of stupid reasons/excuses. Welcome to the world of discrimination. But perhaps that was for the best. It was next door to one of Danny's mom's old guy friends, who drinks a lot and can be a charecter, although a nice person. I don't think Danny getting involved with someone with those activities would be such a great idea anyway. So they are looking at another apartment tomorrow (Friday). Danny would like to put off this step indefinately and work on buying a car instead, but his thinking is delusional about that. He has no license, and has somewhat of a big process in the way of getting one. Things are getting tense at his sister's house as well, and this can't be put off too very long.
     Meanwhile, Dr. Diorio (Danny's neuropsychologist) continues to STRONGLY reccommend the brain injury rehab (ReMed) and will be having a phone conference with them most likely next week after the admissions committee reviews Danny's files again on Monday. He really needs to get accepted and I know the docter is going to push as hard as possible for it. Then we need to hope Danny agrees to go there. He was all for it, but now he seems to think it's a place to "put him away"...some sort of mental hospital. And he continues insisting there is really nothing at all wrong with him. My heavens how far from the truth.
     It feels like I have him here with me more than not. He stays 2 nights at a time lately with just two nights in between. I don't really mind it, but it does concern me a tad. He talks about just being able to "come home" and that breaks my heart, but I can't go back. It would only result in more crisis all over again after some time, and would do nothing to get him healed. This is so hard.
     Good news is I am returning to work at my pediatric nursing job...three nights a week, which will help me tremendously to get back into the groove. I havn't worked since June, and I miss it, although I do admit enjoying some time off. I'm quite certain I would not have been able to go through all the ordeals with Danny for NEAR as long had I been working.
     I keep having faith, and thinking about my future goals...just kinda small things....small things that are really big in actuality. Spending much more quality time with my kids, possibly furthering my education, writing more...maybe publishing my poetry, stories and even writing a children's book, and starting a little account to add to bit by bit so that I can in maybe two years take my trip to Ireland that I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. My life can be what I want it to be, and I am too old to keep waiting and "putting off". Danny can be part of things in my life, or he can choose not to, but it's time to live again, and because he seems to have given up on living and trying, does not mean I can. So I continue to pray for us both...together...apart...where ever the roads lead us...

Let's Not Forget the Happiness

Despite the month of December being so chock full of emotion and change... the fun, love and happiness can not be left by the wayside. Yes, December was the one year mark since Danny's horrific accident, and marked the anniversary of the start of 9 weeks...then one year... of waiting, hoping, crying, praying...and watching as Danny pulled through his trauma and began to travel the road to recovery. As the year went on there was so much that went on, and none of it was easy...but we got through it. But as one year passed by, we both found things to be getting too overwhelming, and together we discussed options. As heartbreaking as it was, I was forced to make the decision to give Danny over to his family. I needed rest and relief, and Danny knew I needed that as well. God bless him...his heart is unselfish deep inside.
So mid-December the move was made. For a solid week I did nothing much but cry. I guess I needed that to start to heal. Every time I went upstairs I looked down the hall and expected to see Danny lying in our bed...and if I heard someone coming downstairs I expected it to be him. My year-long ground-in routine is now full of holes...setting up his meds every week and giving them each day, prodding him to do his self-care, making sure he eats right, routines of getting up, appointments, dinner and movies and TV in bed...falling asleep wrapped tight in one another's arms. Kinda silly maybe, but that last thing is one of the very hardest to let go of. 18 years with my ex...he seldom wanted to hold or be held, and thats something I need. With Danny, above all else...hand-holding, sex, kissing....holding and being held is a must. We weren't an annoyance to each other by cuddling up tight. It was just the way it hadda be. And even the things that were soooo nerve-wracking about him...the TALKING through TV and movies, the analyzing of people, places, things, events...I could go on forever... its just difficult. I even miss all that.

But looking back, even a week ago...that unrelenting sobbing I was doing...how dumb. I should be proud. I gave ALL I have and did ALL I could. (thank you to several friends on FB and my support group who point that out)...but I also have an obligation to myself and my kids, to keep their lives as normal as can be....and there are those who remind me so very very gently that I need to remember my worth, purpose, power, and to just be myself...(thankyou James and Glenroy)......so anyway, Danny and I mutually knew that things must play out this way...and so they are.
So what about not leaving happiness by the wayside? There was much happiness over Christmas and New Years. I shopped happily with my older son, I treated myself to a Kindle (I NEVER treat myself to anything), I went a bit overboard but thats ok, for Christmas...last year was sad and hard...this year I wanted Nick to have a great one, so I went over my budget a bit...oh well...life goes on. We had a wonderful Christmas morning, and I appreciated having myself, 2 sons and his girlfriend all together just us....and later it was exciting to go and bring Danny for Christmas evening and watch him open his 5lb Hershey bar....lololol.....there's been an obsession with Hershey bars past few months...but I think we are over that. But anyway...it was great to have him home. Nick played with his new stuff and Danny too, and Christmas night we got to go to sleep cuddled up....my heaven :-)
New Years Nick went with his dad to my daughter's house and I spent New Years with Danny at his sister's, plus the 2 nights previous he was here with me again. Things seem better this way, although it is a confusing thing for Danny ...like what's going on now with getting his own place with his mom and all. We really need to guide him and help him. I didn't want things to be this abrupt and sudden, but it kinda just fell into place that way, and its been at least 2 months in coming.
So my only real thing at the moment, is that the longer Danny's away from me, the more he seems to be begging to come home...with promises of good behavior etc....well he has a severe traumatic brain injury, and he is not capable of controlling all his behaviors. So i'm torn....I love having him home, but I dont want to sabotage the whole "independance" thing we are working on either.....
One Day at a Time...every day :-)

A New Year

2012...a few weeks before Christmas I remember thinking that this coming year had to be a better year than 2011 was. It was very odd, thinking back, how Danny and I seemed to be mutually moving toward a change. We had begun spending nights pretty often...discussing, contemplating, wondering, crying, holding each other and trying to figure out the meaning of our relationship and what it meant for both of us together, as well as alone. These talks weren't easy, but we struggled through them attempting to make sense of it all. Danny was aware that the past year had been, and still was putting an enormous strain on me, and he kept saying that he felt he was "getting in the way" of my life and family, and that he wasn't doing right by me in having me continue dealing with his inappropriate behaviors and other challenging problems. In some of our worst moments as of late, I had told him I "was done"...that I couldn't deal with him any more. He was becomming possesive, controlling and accusitory. His lack of memory, disorientation to reality and confabulations about all things so much of the time, were putting up a huge red flag. I'd dealt with all these things, and much worse, during my marriage, and where it took me many years back then to realize and face truth, this time Danny forced me to face it quickly. When he'd say we should live apart, maybe even move on, I would cry and become so distraught. My love for Danny is so strong, and that romantic inside me wanted to believe that everything would be alright eventually...if I just hang on a little bit longer...just a bit more...and maybe it WILL get much better eventually, but what about the meantime?

What has taken place since December 17 when I took Danny to live with his sister, has been so very hard, and the courage it's required for both of us has been unimaginable. We have been through so much together over the past almost 3 years, and in the past year it's been just a complete stormy sea of trauma, fear and sadness, along with beautiful successes and accomplishments. I have only slept in our bed 2 nights since Danny has been gone, except for the several nights I've brought him to stay over. I am awake late into the night, thinking, sometimes crying...but the crying is getting better than it was at first. I try to feel proud of the decision we made...feel happiness that I was able to make that decision and remember why it had to be made. But its so hard. I feel an emptiness I can't explain. I would say it's even an anger. All this...for THIS??? To have to feel as though i've given up? Am I just put into people's lives to help them through difficult things? Am I only shown love so that life can simply cruelly snatch it away?

I am at odds with all this. I have been Danny's caretaker for over a year, and I must say that I know I've done well. Now he is with his sister and mom, and don't misunderstand, I know they love him dearly, but I am not comfortable that all Danny's needs will be followed up with. They simply don't have the means for much of it. But I am grateful that they are stepping up to the plate with and for me, and for Danny. They are getting a place to live for him and his mom will stay with him and help him. Together we will all help him manage his money and bills, and all the things in life he has trouble with that you and I just take for granted...and I hope it all works out. For certain, reality for him will be a cold, hard slap in the face...perhaps one he actually needs. I need to have faith that this turn of events has a reason that will be revealed later.

Until then, day by day, I will continue to stand by him in any way I can. But I will also strive to keep in mind that I am strong, life has twists and turns we sometimes don't understand until later, and that my job as a mom is priority, with all else falling into place after that fact.