Thursday, March 31, 2011

March... maddening for both of us







March was a maddening flurry of activity and I was feeling real overwhelmed. I didn't know at the time that nothing was going to slow down either any time soon. I had started working again 3 nights a week 11-7, and with doing that, trying to get adequate sleep, the grueling routine of the trips an hour away to therapies three times/week, plus other doctor appointments, and then keeping a routine set for Nick with schoolwork and studying...well, I was getting "burn-out." I wasn't prepared for how busy I would be, and where it was exhilerating at first, I was now starting to feel the candle melting on both ends. Trying to keep house, and then dealing with Danny and his preoccupation about his lost cars, was taking it's toll. I had no time for quiet and myself. When I did have a spare moment I was consumed with "busy work" like countless applications to brain injury associations, state waiver programs and funding sources for better doctors and treatments. I also was trying to have Danny do at home all the things he was being taught in his therapies. No easy task. His attention span was short and he had little motivation.


I was still trying to get him to eat better and gain weight. He would eat one or two things on his plate and leave the carbs. He also was asking for salad alot, but there wasnt much to fatten him up in that. The rehab nurse said to try to push pasta, potatoes and such.


Danny was becoming clingy toward the end of March. He was very emotional, and wanted me to hold him all the time. He called me sometimes at work begging me to come home, and a few times he called and left voice mails on my phone but was calling me the name of his old girlfriend in Germany. As the month wore into April and May the mistaking me for other old partners increased. I found it hurtful, even though logic told me he couldn't help it. 


Life was a true juggling act, my segments of time revolving through the air as I tried to balance more than I felt I could manage at times. I cried a lot. I cried sometimes for no apparent reason even. My days were peppered with spurts of anxiety and depression.


Mid month we stayed the weekend at his cousin Sherry's. She tried to work through the car thing with him, and we had to continue what I did at home...telling him he could not drive and hiding my keys. Saturday night Danny went outside saying he was going to drive my car. We knew he didn't have the keys so we weren't worried. Imagine our surprise when we heard my car start! Sherry ran outside to the driveway like a bat outta hell, reached inside, and out of the ignition she pulls a PUMPKIN CARVER! You know, the ones that come in those little carving sets you can buy to make your jack-o-lantern!!


I took Danny and Nick for haircuts at Walmart at the end of March. I was surprised he tolerated it well. A day... a week later, he had, and still has no recollection of it.


Physical, and later occupational therapies stopped at the end of the month, the therapists saying he'd reached all his goals with balance, strength, and mobility. Speech (cognitive) therapy would continue, indefinately as this was Danny's severe disability.


My journal entry from my Brain Injury Support site...detailing my desperation that month....





bad days are hard for me... Mood
Sunday, March 6, 2011 | A Frustrating story
I dont feel so wonderful. I feel sad and confused. I think Ive been neglecting myself and my nerves are shot. 
The therapists say to redirect Danny to reality when he talks....but its non-stop. I cant do it 24/7 and its getting to me. Im just having a bad day.
 He wont eat and thats upsetting me. His weight is dropping. He is starting to give me a hard time abt taking his pills too, again. Sometimes he doesnt know who I am. I let it hurt my feelings even tho logic tells me it shouldnt. I have so much paperwork to start and to finish, and I feel like a scatter-brain. I havent been taking my celexa consistantly, sometimes i just forget. I know thats part of my mood problem too. Ive been crying at the drop of a hat. I need to make a dr appt for myself. I have to get on an ADD med somehow. I need energy. 
Weekends seem to be worse cuz the constant routine of therapy during the week seems to keep him better oriented. And when theres a day of visitors like yesterday he seems to be worse later. IDK. Im just hangin in. I have so much to do in the house and suddenly no one seems to be helping out. Everyone has their own shit going on. 
I need to get away with just Danny and Nick this weekend coming, either to Sherrys or Barbs. I need a break. And the agency that is supposed to help assess us for eligibility for outside help has been nothing but red tape and a run around. I just keep going on and hoping it gets better. 
Dannys getting very emotional again cuz his self awareness is returning and he's upset abt his confusion and inability to remember things. I just need more prayers from everyone...please....I know all anyone can say is that it gets better....slowly, but it helps at least to vent where you all understand.

1 comment:

  1. I am totally amazed!! This is the first site that I have found that a young man has what my son was diagnosed with on 12/19/2013 and he just turned 23 in October. He was in a car accident and has finally come home. I can't seem to follow this site well and would like to know more of Danny's beginning progress. My son, Dakota, can blink yes and no. He's all there in his mind. I am finally able to get the PA to see that he is there. He can do math by blinking the answers and pauses at the end then he will hold his eye lid down. He is having a problem with tracking .. it's 50% right now. He can raise his head and I can put the controller for the bed in his left hand and he can push the button for the bed to go up and down. It has given him some independence. He smiles a lot and that amazes me. He even jiggles his body when he laughs hard at something. If you could email me or anything I would so much appreciate it. Sometimes I feel so alone. It is so heart wrenching to see your son in such a state. Hard not to cry all the time!! I totally take care of him and we have not yet been able to get him into a rehab due to finances. My email is robin_lry@msn.com. Thanks and God Bless.

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