Despite the month of December being so chock full of emotion and change... the fun, love and happiness can not be left by the wayside. Yes, December was the one year mark since Danny's horrific accident, and marked the anniversary of the start of 9 weeks...then one year... of waiting, hoping, crying, praying...and watching as Danny pulled through his trauma and began to travel the road to recovery. As the year went on there was so much that went on, and none of it was easy...but we got through it. But as one year passed by, we both found things to be getting too overwhelming, and together we discussed options. As heartbreaking as it was, I was forced to make the decision to give Danny over to his family. I needed rest and relief, and Danny knew I needed that as well. God bless him...his heart is unselfish deep inside.
So mid-December the move was made. For a solid week I did nothing much but cry. I guess I needed that to start to heal. Every time I went upstairs I looked down the hall and expected to see Danny lying in our bed...and if I heard someone coming downstairs I expected it to be him. My year-long ground-in routine is now full of holes...setting up his meds every week and giving them each day, prodding him to do his self-care, making sure he eats right, routines of getting up, appointments, dinner and movies and TV in bed...falling asleep wrapped tight in one another's arms. Kinda silly maybe, but that last thing is one of the very hardest to let go of. 18 years with my ex...he seldom wanted to hold or be held, and thats something I need. With Danny, above all else...hand-holding, sex, kissing....holding and being held is a must. We weren't an annoyance to each other by cuddling up tight. It was just the way it hadda be. And even the things that were soooo nerve-wracking about him...the TALKING through TV and movies, the analyzing of people, places, things, events...I could go on forever... its just difficult. I even miss all that.
But looking back, even a week ago...that unrelenting sobbing I was doing...how dumb. I should be proud. I gave ALL I have and did ALL I could. (thank you to several friends on FB and my support group who point that out)...but I also have an obligation to myself and my kids, to keep their lives as normal as can be....and there are those who remind me so very very gently that I need to remember my worth, purpose, power, and to just be myself...(thankyou James and Glenroy)......so anyway, Danny and I mutually knew that things must play out this way...and so they are.
So what about not leaving happiness by the wayside? There was much happiness over Christmas and New Years. I shopped happily with my older son, I treated myself to a Kindle (I NEVER treat myself to anything), I went a bit overboard but thats ok, for Christmas...last year was sad and hard...this year I wanted Nick to have a great one, so I went over my budget a bit...oh well...life goes on. We had a wonderful Christmas morning, and I appreciated having myself, 2 sons and his girlfriend all together just us....and later it was exciting to go and bring Danny for Christmas evening and watch him open his 5lb Hershey bar....lololol.....there's been an obsession with Hershey bars past few months...but I think we are over that. But anyway...it was great to have him home. Nick played with his new stuff and Danny too, and Christmas night we got to go to sleep cuddled up....my heaven :-)
New Years Nick went with his dad to my daughter's house and I spent New Years with Danny at his sister's, plus the 2 nights previous he was here with me again. Things seem better this way, although it is a confusing thing for Danny ...like what's going on now with getting his own place with his mom and all. We really need to guide him and help him. I didn't want things to be this abrupt and sudden, but it kinda just fell into place that way, and its been at least 2 months in coming.
So my only real thing at the moment, is that the longer Danny's away from me, the more he seems to be begging to come home...with promises of good behavior etc....well he has a severe traumatic brain injury, and he is not capable of controlling all his behaviors. So i'm torn....I love having him home, but I dont want to sabotage the whole "independance" thing we are working on either.....
One Day at a Time...every day :-)
