I felt his progress with memory had stopped and even regressed as well. He now COMPLETELY refused to do the memory exercises and compensatory stradegies that therapy was trying to instill in him. He wouldn't orient daily with his calendar, or write down appointments, days' events or when he took a shower last. He was becoming complacent.
During the day, although his OCD continued to flare, he also was becoming much more depressed and SEVERELY unmotivated. We missed appointment upon appointment. He would not get up and get ready. There was no forcing him, and frankly I didn't want to try to anymore. I stopped calling off for him and made him do it himself.
As his bipolar talk and behavior increased, the more distant I was becoming. I'd take his breakfast up to him in bed and hope that he went back to sleep sometimes, just so I didn't have to walk on eggshells. I felt guilty for this but I felt no other way out some days.
As I felt him getting worse, I could feel mySELF falling as well. I was feeling depressed a lot of the time now, and if I wasn't depressed I was full of anxiety. I cried a lot. I had absolutely no ambition and fell into a slump with getting things done. It was such a chore to clean and cook. I wanted to sleep. I self-medicated sometimes with alcohol...never A LOT, just enough to mask the pain...but I know I acted a tad strange under the influence. I was never a nasty or loud person under the influence...just an annoying talker or crier. I was also losing things left and right, forgetting things, and my insomnia and nightmares were worsening. The worst part for me though I think was that I was losing all my patience with and hope for Danny. Things just didnt feel positive anymore. The car had yet more problems...overheating....and I was told my head gasket was going. No extra money to get one, and I resigned myself to the coming end of it.
In the third week of August an event happened that was and still is very extremely humiliating for me...but this blog is the true story...the real honesty...and we all know truth is not always comfortable...so I am posting the story from my journal that was originally only for the eyes of my friends...