2012...a few weeks before Christmas I remember thinking that this coming year had to be a better year than 2011 was. It was very odd, thinking back, how Danny and I seemed to be mutually moving toward a change. We had begun spending nights pretty often...discussing, contemplating, wondering, crying, holding each other and trying to figure out the meaning of our relationship and what it meant for both of us together, as well as alone. These talks weren't easy, but we struggled through them attempting to make sense of it all. Danny was aware that the past year had been, and still was putting an enormous strain on me, and he kept saying that he felt he was "getting in the way" of my life and family, and that he wasn't doing right by me in having me continue dealing with his inappropriate behaviors and other challenging problems. In some of our worst moments as of late, I had told him I "was done"...that I couldn't deal with him any more. He was becomming possesive, controlling and accusitory. His lack of memory, disorientation to reality and confabulations about all things so much of the time, were putting up a huge red flag. I'd dealt with all these things, and much worse, during my marriage, and where it took me many years back then to realize and face truth, this time Danny forced me to face it quickly. When he'd say we should live apart, maybe even move on, I would cry and become so distraught. My love for Danny is so strong, and that romantic inside me wanted to believe that everything would be alright eventually...if I just hang on a little bit longer...just a bit more...and maybe it WILL get much better eventually, but what about the meantime?
What has taken place since December 17 when I took Danny to live with his sister, has been so very hard, and the courage it's required for both of us has been unimaginable. We have been through so much together over the past almost 3 years, and in the past year it's been just a complete stormy sea of trauma, fear and sadness, along with beautiful successes and accomplishments. I have only slept in our bed 2 nights since Danny has been gone, except for the several nights I've brought him to stay over. I am awake late into the night, thinking, sometimes crying...but the crying is getting better than it was at first. I try to feel proud of the decision we made...feel happiness that I was able to make that decision and remember why it had to be made. But its so hard. I feel an emptiness I can't explain. I would say it's even an anger. All this...for THIS??? To have to feel as though i've given up? Am I just put into people's lives to help them through difficult things? Am I only shown love so that life can simply cruelly snatch it away?
I am at odds with all this. I have been Danny's caretaker for over a year, and I must say that I know I've done well. Now he is with his sister and mom, and don't misunderstand, I know they love him dearly, but I am not comfortable that all Danny's needs will be followed up with. They simply don't have the means for much of it. But I am grateful that they are stepping up to the plate with and for me, and for Danny. They are getting a place to live for him and his mom will stay with him and help him. Together we will all help him manage his money and bills, and all the things in life he has trouble with that you and I just take for granted...and I hope it all works out. For certain, reality for him will be a cold, hard slap in the face...perhaps one he actually needs. I need to have faith that this turn of events has a reason that will be revealed later.
Until then, day by day, I will continue to stand by him in any way I can. But I will also strive to keep in mind that I am strong, life has twists and turns we sometimes don't understand until later, and that my job as a mom is priority, with all else falling into place after that fact.
