My biggest heartaches...not knowing if Danny will ever "make it" in life...my missing him soooo much...my awful feelings inside because of my promise to him that this was his home forever (but now that had to change)...the mourning that comes with brain injury because it literally steals away the person you knew and replaces them with a different individual.
At the point Danny's at right now...recovery-wise...he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him that needs any sort of treatment. His memory is fine. He doesn't see what we see...not knowing what we talked about just an hour ago and so forth.
Right now it's the being apart that is hurting us. I miss him desperately...I feel so lonely without him. Then I wonder if that is a severe sign of co-dependance. I don't know. I just know I hate all this, and that I promised him his home was here...and would always be...and now look! Last night I actually kinda melted down thinking of that. I thought I was all cried out...no...the tears keep regenerating I guess.
Then there's the issue of him coming to stay over-night. Everything goes well, but past 48hrs it starts to get weird, with him getting an attitude of sorts. And this past Friday when I took him home (he had stayed 3 nights out of necessity due to an appt. being changed) I had a really hard time with him when I tried to leave him at his sister's house. It actually turned into a brawl of sorts. I made up my mind I wouldn't be coming for him until Tuesday when I got off work, but he has been calling me and BEGGING for me to come for him. I'm heartbroken, and all this doesn't make it easier. I know guys can and will say things to try to change your mind, but the problem is that I really don't think he understands what is going on fully. I know he is lost in a world of confusion. Today on the phone he was asking again if I would come get him and bring him home, so he can sleep in our bed and "smell" me, and saying that we have created something together and he needs me. GOD if I thought things would change, I would bring him home and keep him in an instant, but I KNOW we have to push forward with what we are doing. I only wish and hope and pray that the rehab accepts him and that he agrees to go...and stays. Maybe with 90 days of intense therapy he would be better...
I have more or less come to realize that he may or may not get any better. I feel I have failed...but I know I really shouldn't. Because of his lack of memory about our past almost 3 years, I thought maybe he would just "slide" with this and accept the new direction we are trying to push him into...but it doesn't seem to be going that way. He is suddenly now realizing what has occurred...gradually seeing the gravity of it all. What I wanted him to understand before we came to this point...he is seeing now...when it's a tad too late.
My heart aches for him. I just wish there was a miracle cure...the God that answered all our prayers in keeping him alive...that God that I would hope can do ANYTHING...why can't he help Danny out of this endless maze...this trap?
