School started the second last day of August. That helped me sooo much to get back in the saddle. Back to routines and schedules. I started sleeping better eventually, and my ambition was returning. I cleaned the house room by room, started the process of cleaning out my musky cluttered cellar. My depression was lifting.
My car was close to finished, but I tried to keep hope that something would work out. I worked on it myself alot, and did quite well actually.
I started reading 12 step literature and applying it to brain injury coping ability. I needed to come to terms with my role in this ordeal, in life, and in spirituality....
Changing mySELF First (thru the 12 steps)
Sunday, September 4, 2011 |
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our loved ones TBI - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other families/caretakers of TBI, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Ok, so first of all, the first step is admitting I am powerless...not just over the TBI itself, but all the behaviors and insanity that go along with it.
Ok, so first of all, the first step is admitting I am powerless...not just over the TBI itself, but all the behaviors and insanity that go along with it.
HAVE I admitted that? NO!!
I keep thinking I can WILL it to change, PRAY for it to hurry up and get better, etc etc. This causes stress and anxiety. AA says to "Let Go and Let God", and this is what I must do...also, it will in turn I think, sorta release me from feelings of anger and resentment toward the TBI and towards Danny as well. Yea, he's got some old bipolar crap coming back that is hard to deal with, but (hangs her head in shame) lately I have resorted to yelling at him, demanding he stop doing things, calling him names even at times, and accusing him of only remembering what he chooses to. Where I once felt I was doing a good job, I feel lately like I have been falling short every day. In harsh reality, the answer for ME lies not in what HE does, or how he changes, but it lies within ME!! I need to let go...detach with love...AA says to live one day at a time (I've got that one down pretty good) but it also says that in times of hardship or struggle, your only task that is manageable is to KEEP DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING!! Reacting in anger or immaturity gets me nowhere...I need to slow down and breath...every moment if I need to, and just keep doing the next right thing. It IS hard work...esp for someone on the lazy side like me when it comes to self-help. I can ONLY change mySELF!! And as many a wives in al-anon have learned, that loving change SOMETIMES induces change in the other person.I need to work on changing my own actions...after all....with or without Danny, I want to be a better person right? At the present time, this is what I have chosen to do...caring for this TBI....well, I will MAKE it a learning and growing experience for me....soooo....thats where I'm at today....will keep you all updated....
After our August incident with the police I had started to withhold Danny's ADHD medicine. I experimented with off and on days and could see the apparent negative behavior when he took it. I notified his neuropsych Dr. D. that I was doing it. Danny was just too much of a handful on the med...so full of anxiety he was up all nights and days, actually stamping his feet and waving his arms in the air all the time in his restlessness and anxiety....crying sometimes. Well in Sept. when we visited the psychiatrist, he stopped the Vyvanse (as I had already done) Danny was FURIOUS! For days he became angry, smacked me a few times over it, cried, hollered, demanded immediate dr visits to get it back or get a nerve pill. The truth of the matter was, he was so much better without that medication...but he didnt see it that way. I began to fear that his addictive personality really only wanted that medication as a form of "speed"....and he talked often about wanting to buy cocaine and speed. It was upsetting.
He had talked about buying alcohol too, but I always talked him out of it, but one day when we were out running errands and things, he had his own money in his pocket and went into a store and bought some. That night he didnt finish it (it was only a quart of beer) Another night soon after he decided to get ready and walk to a bar at 1am. He stayed an hour and came home. He hasnt drank since (its Oct 13)
What it was boiling down to is that Danny has stalled in his recovery, isnt motivated to try, has given up.....
In the 3rd week of September we had a HORRIBLY frustrating and busy week of appointments, and of course this was when my car finally decided to kick the bucket for good. We broke down on the interstate and had to hitch hike part way home and my son brought us home the rest of the way. The following day was Danny's disibility hearing. Barb took us. The day was one of the most nerve-wracking with Danny I can ever remember. He was a babbling, nervous wreck in the car, yelling, reaching into the front of the car, carrying on, almost crying. What a day. Barb, like so many others, said she didnt know how in the world I possibly kept so strong as I did.
