Of course it's PMS time for me, and I AM overly emotional....but today n tonight I feel a deep sense of sadness....for Danny. He just seems so lost n confused. We saw CeCe today, the wonderful nurse at the psychiatrist's office, so that she can call in refills on his meds. She is a sweet older woman...perhaps 65 or so...charming, loving and patient. She's had many encounters with Danny in the past months, watching him progress from a somewhat zombie-like person, slowly through his stages of awakening and changing. She, like me, appreciates his good heart, his charm, humor, and can make light of his quirky behavior. But things have worsened, and today, after a long conversation with me abt 2 weeks ago, she saw and understood what the real essence of what is going on here is like. She pulled no punches...tried reasoning with him. Long story short, she believes, as do I sometimes, that he really has no control at all over his feelings and actions. I know he is so tired of not remembering day to day things, of not remembering where he was, what dr he saw or why, being told he cant do this and cant do that. He has been suffering great anxiety and stress, and takes it out on those around him. I have said before that i'm at my breaking point....yet I LOVE him. I GOT a glimpse before the accident, of who and what he could be....and I know all this wild talk and threatening babble, and so on and so forth, CANT be who he really is. I am on eggshells each day, not knowing what reactions or actions or emotional outbursts to expect. I want a future with him, yet deep down I feel so convinced that maybe he is too far gone....that he is really not who I thought or want him to be.
He wants relief. He begged CeCe to make it that he could have some sort of sedative...that he's afraid he will hurt someone. Really and truly I dont see that happening. He talked tonight about going out to a bar for a few drinks and to shoot pool. Its a hard thing to not be able or allowed to do anything that he used to do....yet the red flags wave in my head and I'm scared. He's been asking for me to go out with him one night. I would LOVE to go shoot pool and listen to music...but i'm not just yet comfortable going into a bar or club. I dont want to drink anymore, and I dont know if I want to even be in that atmosphere...the atmosphere where we last were the night of his accident. The ppl there and the surroundings just are creepy to me now. I would love to go dancing with him. I WANT him to be able to do what he enjoyed. But I'm scared and confused.
He wanted money to go out tonight, and before it escalated into an argument, I went and got it out for him. But he is lying up on the bed. I know he really doesnt want to go, and he knows it too. He is just all over the place with everything. I am praying this rehab comes through soon. I don't think either of us can take much more.
I wish there were more I could do for him. All I can do is listen, keep my mouth closed, and hold him tight....
