Brain injury has stolen the person I love and changed his life and mine.
We are no longer living together...we may not even be together at all.
I was holding myself in one piece somehow until tonight when we talked on the phone. Now i'm just crying and crying.
It hurts so bad. Nothing in my life has ever hurt like this.
I had to draw a line between what is more important, and that has to be my family. I dont want to lose Danny, but we cant live together either in the current state of things.
He is no longer here, and my heart is aching...but I have to put it all in a Higher Power's hands.
A year ago I was sleeping alone and crying because he lie in the hospital close to dying. Now 5 days before Christmas, I am without him again...and crying. I remember thinking the night of his accident when he was so critical, "If I had only known you were leaving I would have held you a little longer...a little tighter last night." Now i'm thinking the same thing. I would have kept my head on his chest all night and listened to his heartbeat. Instead, we were quarreling about some silly shit.
We both know that rationally thinking, it needs to be this way...but our hearts say a whole different thing.
I know I will get to see him, and probably even be taking him where he needs to go, but everything will be different now. And all I can think about right now is our happiness and funny times...our hours cuddled together making silly jokes and laughing...how safe I felt in his arms. How we understood each other without even speaking. And even how we argued with the same amount of passion as there was in our love.
Life and its twists and turns is unfair, and yes, I am angry about it. I am angry at brain injury and how it has fucked up so much worse something that was already so hard to try to overcome...but we WERE.
I don't know what to do with these feelings...the love, the anger, the sadness and the fear. I am just trying to hang on. I couldn't sleep last night, and tonight I've been to bed twice, and then the sobbing hits me. So I am awake...
I didn't think it would turn out this way...
