Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Two Years Ago Today...



Two years ago today, I was sitting at a hospital bedside holding the hand of the love of my life, watching him struggle to stay alive...a broken mess. It was the start of a long and painful journey that even now when I look back, I find hard to comprehend. My life NOW is so busy...I really don't know how I got through the day to day repetition of each phase of mine and Danny's journey. Well I suppose I do know...when that knock comes at your door, and someone you love is hurt and their life is at stake, everything else just collapses by the wayside. Your priorities shift dramatically...you move robotically through the hours as they turn to days, then weeks and eventually months. That's how it was for me. The hours and weeks when machines kept him going as he lie "sleeping"...the infections that wracked him and repeatedly took back all the headway he gained each time...the awakening process, the wild thrashing in bed while I tried to contain him and protect him...the emotional roller coasters of dealing with doctors and family...the struggle to maintain a continuum of life for the rest of my family...for my children.  Little by little the awful things became replaced with joyous things...hearing first words, seeing first steps, watching emotions go from crazy to more even-keeled, leaps and bounds of physical progress...feeding tube and trach coming out followed by drinking and eating again. Steps toward problem solving, reasoning...endlessly pushing in a wheel chair, then even more endlessly walking, walking, walking...falling into bed every night exhausted, scared, hopeful, angry, happy, hurt...always a huge spectrum of emotions...crying...laughing...

As weeks became months and Danny was back home with me, there were the hour long trips back n forth to rehab in Allentown three times a week...car rides that were often nerve-wracking...numerous stops so he could get out of the car and move around...taking the inside of the car apart all the way down and back...listening to his emotional outbursts...physical therapy sessions going well...cognitive sessions not so well...months of working just to remember a date, phone number...pictures on papers...when and what did he eat, what did he do an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago. Many things that til this day haven't gotten much better. The wild confabulative stories his brain had him believe were true situations...his fifteen lost cars, his missing sums of money and credit cards, tools, cds, stereo equipment...driving around all hours of the day and night looking for things that simply didn't exist...approaching friends and relatives over and over...me trying to be sure people he came in contact with understood what he was going through...small bursts of success, followed by gradual declines in emotional areas...

My saving grace was the brain injury support group i'd connected with...with spouses, girl friends, parents, all going through different stages of what was for the most part the same journey. After day time and its dolling out of medications, doctor and psych visits, struggling to encourage a good diet, dealing with ramblings and emotional outbursts...when he was tucked in bed for the night, it was my support group friends who helped me maintain some semblance of sanity. They took my frantic phone calls or messages...supported, prayed, shared their own hardships...

As time went on it became clear that Danny was regressing. He was filled with anger, confusion, and his emotional state was worsening. He was having more and more bouts of loss of control, and doing erratic things...behaviorally he was affecting my family more and more. I could see that there had to be a change...an end to it. It broke my heart...especially when we had long talks about it and he himself tried to convince me that we both knew it had to stop. He didn't want to hurt anyone...he was lost. For several months we discussed it over and over...not ever wanting to let each other go, yet both knowing it was what was going to have to happen. And so along that path we moved...making a gradual break...him leaving to live with his family and coming home just for visits. After some time even that had to end...

The paths of our journey eventually separated...because they had to...the way they were meant to I suppose. I will always love Danny with all my heart...I know that will never change...but my life has had to change. I will always look back on this incredible journey as a gift in a way...a very valuable life experience. I witnessed agony, miracles, faith, the power of prayer, the strength of love. The tragedy of traumatic brain injury can be cruel. For me though, I realized there is always a reason...a higher plan, brought on by the things that occur in our lives. The pain and tears bring us through to the other side...toward where we were meant to be today. I was led to a new side of my life...a new conception of myself...I was shown that the purpose of two paths crossing sometimes isn't well understood until long after. My heart continues to ever so slowly mend...it's taking time...a long time. 

Two years ago today I lost someone I love very much...there is no grave to visit...I can only visit my memories...