No Matter How Far (Aug 2012)

No matter how far I come...no matter how better I live...no matter what I do to change life and experiences...altho it all is good and makes me feel happy and alive...when I'm all alone, I know that no one realizes I am truly dying of a br

oken heart. One true love in my entire life, and so much gone thru both before and after a horrific accident, and now we can't be together because it just isn't what is right for those around us...and becuz his brain is locked in limbo and disillusion and confusion. I had to walk away...but part of me is gone...everyone thinks I'm fine....but i'm not at all :-(
...and when you think there just arent any more tears left to cry...oh believe me when I say...the tears just come and come.

 I keep asking myself, how do I mourn this "death" when in reality he is alive. I have so much anger as well. Thing is even tho he is a completely different person, our love didnt change. He is still him, just different, and I could accept that, but I can't bring him back home due to his behaviors. I just keep praying and hoping he gets better, someday, even if it takes years.....

Short n Sweet (August 2012)

I realized there is no short sweet answer...
nor one wrong or right...
he says, "are we together?"
..."well no," I say
"then we AREN'T together?"
..."correct...I.mean NO," I answer
He pauses...
"Well then...what exactly are we?"
My eyes fill up
..."I don't know...I only know I love you...."

Today I'm Grateful for...

Today I'm grateful for: family n friends who love me, understand me, stand by me, don't judge me...for the one's who listen to me cry because I love and miss Danny and didn't want this brain injury/bipolar mess to end the way it has, and don't say things like "I tried to tell you" or "you shoulda known" or "he's rotten" or "you were too good for him"...for those who supported and prayed for

 us thru this long incredible journey. For those who even if they don't or can't understand what's going on listen and at least try to without judgement. I'm grateful for my precious little boy who is now the biggest inspiration of my life, and for my daughter who listens and always says something to show she cares how i'm feeling, and my 21yr old son who even when pushed well beyond frustration and anger stood by me quietly and respected me enough to allow me to feel my way thru the dark, held my hand to help me be strong, and I know understands what I still feel. I am grateful for my pets lol who give me their unconditional love no matter how horrible I feel, look or act.  I'm very grateful for all the new friends I have made along the way as well as  recently....good, normal, talented, intelligent, insightful, dedicated, balanced and healthy people. I'm grateful I finally, after living half my life, was able to experience the wildest, truest, and most genuine love possible, and I'm grateful for all that that love taught and still continues to teach me, about my life and about myself, my worth, my capability to be strong...and I'm grateful for my very life and all the spirits who are opening up the world to guide me....

Ten Days

Its been 10 days since I've heard from Danny...at all. After receiving upwards of 75 texts and voice mails/day for almost 2 mo. it is disturbing to me. I know how totally obsessed he is with talking to me. No one has let me know he is ok, and I'm worried. But I won't call, lest I be accused of contacting him first and making it harder for his family.
Three weeks ago, my resistance and strength gave out. His daily pleading with me to see him, combined with my own just plain loving and missing him...I went to he and his mom's house. We spent the afternoon napping together, laughing and talking. It felt wonderful for us both. However, it probably was not a wise choice. I know his immediate family didn't like it, although of course no one called and told me that. Truth be told, my view at the time was that we are adults, and I would deal with any consequences. Being kept apart will not change how I feel...in fact will make me more apt to keep tabs on his welfare. Anyway, my suspicion is that his cell was either hidden or taken away so that we can not talk. Like he is a little kid...something I know people with brain injuries detest. I can't imagine for the life of me why else the calls would abruptly stop. Oh I know...he has little impulse control and inhibition, and it is a fact that his out of control behavior caused me to have to legally remove him from my home...but it had to be done that way because he doesn't listen or comprehend when enough is enough and no means no.
Perhaps it is better for us both that all contact has ceased. Its just that my love for him hasn't died in the least, and although the constant ringing and beeping of my cell was annoying, I at least knew how he was doing...that he was getting on ok. Now I'm actually angry, because knowing him as I do, I know there is something else going on.
I hope he knows that I will never stop loving him, praying for him...praying for a miracle in his life...

One True Love...

Been thinking for many months now abt having something done...
something I'll have forever as a profession of my love...
something a few ppl may say is stupid and not something a future partner would want to look at...


Well, here's the thing.


 There was one time only in my entire life that I was/am in love...
 I'm not looking anymore for a "future partner."
 I've experienced all the facets of relationships and sex in my lifetime that I want or need to...
I've been single, married, separated...will be divorced. 
I've had 3 children and a grandchild.
 I've had joy and hurt,
 love and hate, 
being poor, and success and extra money.
 I've had good boyfriends and clingy not so good ones. 
I've had commitments, and i've had one night stands.
 I've had sickness and health.
 I've made good and bad decisions. 
Its been a colorful life and I really and truly have no regrets...
I have resolved to spend the rest of my life living my dreams and doing what makes myself and the world around me happy...
BUT...
 when I think of the word LOVE, its his eyes I see, his voice I hear, his arms I imagine feeling, our warmth together I remember. 
He is the one person who was able to "save" me from myself, in ways too intricate to even explain.
 And he's the one with whom I felt my first as well as last true love. 
Things went awry, and we had a most difficult set of circumstances...but thats ok,
 cuz I still believe in miracles. 
I've seen real ones many times. 
If the Higher Power in my life sees fit, maybe we will be together again someday...
and if he doesnt see fit...which is more likely...
I'm ok with that as well...

It will say: "One True Love...Danny"

Happy Birthday Danny!

Today is Danny's 31st birthday. Altho we have known one another for years, and became close friends, we officially became inseparable in early May 0f 2009. I was at his house every chance I could get, and then he started coming to my house as well for days at a time, and eventually moved in. I remember spending his 28th birthday with him that first year. I gave him some silly card about friendship that day, because I felt like I had found some sort of soul-mate in him. I just loved being with him so very much, because of the deep and interesting conversations we had, the crazy silly antics we enjoyed, and the insight he always seemed to have about things. We both knew our age difference was a tad odd, but we were just friends, so who cared? lol. Yet our self-proclaimed "just friendship" was obviously more than that...we were always from day one, able to share our most private thoughts and feelings, and without embarrassment or shame. And getting to his place in the mornings after leaving my night shift job just so I could fall asleep in the crook of his shoulder with my ear over his heart, was a sinful delight I could never get enough of. Yes, of course there was some lust involved for both of us...maybe a fair amount of infatuation initially. We openly discussed the risks of becoming involved in that way...but it just became so natural. We told each other as well as ourselves that it was just another facet of our very unique friendship. Ha! 
As time went on, well...they say you don't know a man til you live with him. How true. And Danny had a personality that could test Mother Teresa's patience. For as amazing and lovable as he could be, he could be equally sarcastic and awful. But I suppose it was too late, for I was falling hopelessly in love. Withstanding the test of time, I grew to love and understand all the sides of him. He made a definite footprint on my life, on my little boy's life...on our hearts. Through personality struggles and challenges, he sought help with bipolar and OCD difficulties, and we traveled a rocky road together. His life was no less perfect than my own. We grew better together. Apart for a short while and then back together, he celebrated another birthday. Then the Dec. 2010 car accident...
As I spent hours, days and weeks at his side through a fight for his life and traumatic brain injury, I began to realize what our love really meant. I could not have been any more devoted to him than I was. For a couple weeks we didn't know if he would ever return to a normal physical capacity. I was prepared to bring him home no matter what his condition, and care for him no matter what it would take...whether he couldn't walk or talk...it didn't matter to me. Danny had no one in his life anymore...he'd chased them all away and built huge walls to hide behind. But he didn't hide from me. He didn't put on an act or a facade...and it was part of why I loved him so. There were no walls between us.
He did make an excellent physical recovery. It was truly miraculous. We celebrated his 30th birthday thrilled with how well he was doing. Unfortunately, the cognitive portion of his recovery didn't progress well. The initial many months of total amnesia and wild beliefs and disbeliefs, improved only to be replaced with a severe decline in his previous mental health difficulties. I spent all my time and energy desperately trying to find help for him, and could sense an explosive situation forming. He finally became just too much for me to safely handle and the situation worsened, culminating in the need to have his immediate family take over his care. I didn't want things to go in the direction or to the extreme that they did, but I had to make a choice for myself and my family. I had to totally disengage. 
As I look back on all of this, I find myself questioning my own sensibleness and rationality. Logic tells me that what has happened is in a total state of disrepair. I know with every intelligent bone in my body, that the relationship has evolved to a place where it will never be what it was. Yet there's this small voice inside me...inside my heart, that can not let go. My family, my friends, Danny's family...everyone has an opinion...ranging everywhere from understanding and support, to cold hateful statements. But that little voice...the one in my heart that says I can never completely let go...it's the voice of love. How do you quiet that voice? HOW??? How do you stop missing someone who is never really coming "back"...how do you mourn the death of someone you love, when in truth they are still very much alive?
Tonight, after not hearing Danny's voice for 2 months, he sent a voice mail saying "I miss you"  My heart lept...and the tears flowed. I was however, quickly reminded of traumatic brain injury's effect on him...he continued texting me for over 3 hrs...a somewhat juxtaposed collection of random statements about this and that...and I tried to explain as best I could why we must continue on the separate paths we are on...for now anyway...maybe always. He doesn't really understand. But my happiness tonight is that I know he has his phone back in working order, and I was able to get my desperate message to him that my love will never die, and our friendship will remain like the rock it always was, and that I will forever be there for him. (How can it be wrong to tell someone you love them?) and I can wish him Happy Birthday :-)

My Part of Our Journey Goes on Because I Choose...

    Its been almost 2mo. since I've written here.
It hasn't been easy. Danny's bail was so high that he couldn't post it. Then there was a somewhat complicated ordeal of turning all his funds back in to Social Security and relinquishing payee status to his mom.  During his time in jail, he called endlessly...but over time the calls slowed and all but stopped. 
    I have tried moving on...unsuccessfully. I even accepted a dinner invitation or two from an older gentleman who liked me a lot. But it felt wrong, and when I tried to stress that all I wanted was a friendship for a long while but he seemed to be moving too quickly, I had to withdraw completely, hurting him I'm sure in the process. It only served to tell me I was not ready to move on, because I still love Danny so very much. Bombarded with either spoken or implied demands that I leave this all behind...even telling MYSELF that...it wasn't and isn't happening. And as the weeks have passed recently, and after an emotional week of soul-searching, I came to a realization...I don't HAVE to stop loving him. I'm the boss of my life and my heart, and i'm a big girl...So I'm done trying to force myself into a road leading further away fom Danny. My posts on Facebook over the past harrowing days have painted this picture clearly, and I feared for my emotional sanity very much so, until I made a decision....


MAY 14th, 2012

And the parts that hurt the most are that I truly believe there wouldve been no end for us if not for what happened to you...it isnt even mostly your fault abt messing up...and I do miss you all the time, everywhere I go, every place I see. We WERE best friends, long before anything else. You taught me so much, changed my life in so many ways, and when you knew the end was coming when things were spinning out of control, you even tried to tell me how to go on without you, and told me to make sure I take my time and have some time to myself to breath and to live. You loved me that much you told me how much you wanted me to be happy and not be burdened with you any more. Well, you WERENT a burden. Idk if i'll EVER let you go...I love you so much and all this hurts so bad. If I had just one more night to listen to your heart, that heart that almost died but lived...if I could just go back in time, maybe something could have been done differently. The odds were against us, against you, from the start. Its just another usual night where I lie down wishing you were here and crying my eyes out for you... :-( 

May 15th, 2012

At this point I feel like taking a BIIIIGGG breath and going back into battle to fight for Danny. This is the man I love. If I cant do anything, even from afar, then so be it, but my gut instincts are telling me that love is worth fighting for, and if someone you love has become compromised, and theres no one else to fight for them...how can I sit back in this pain and not wonder if it is a sign that I am supposed to DO something. This could get weird and ugly, and idk what will happen, but I KNOW now what I want to fight for..its my kids, and after that its Danny. I would only hope and pray that if i were in the shoes he is in, someone would love me enough to fight for me.. :-(

May 17th, 2012

Been a bad few days for me (and PMS plus quitting smoking doesnt help)...been a lot of emotional clutter to get through, a ton of crying, and soul-searching. Also much meditation, weighing of options, discussions with ppl who understand, and coming to terms. And a fair amount of "avoidance sleeping" also. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I realize and accept that I need to maintain my distance from Danny, at least for the immediate future...but that does NOT mean I have to stop loving him, no matter who says I must or should, or tries to push me. This is the reason I havnt been able to let go, the reason I cant move on. I cant allow feeling lonely for who I love, to force me into situations offering comfort, and then when I realize with more of a vengeance that its not what I want, drag ppl's feelings through the mud. Altho it sounds cliche, after all the time that has passed, if someone you love wont go out of your mind, they must have a reason for being there! And I am patient, and willing to wait, and if the time never comes to be together again, so be it...but I can and will have a full-filling life in the meantime, and if its meant that the love fades, it will fade...on its own...not cuz others in my life say it has to! Also, I've come to realize, that I want to continue to advocate for him in any way I can, and offer his mom my support and help. She isn't mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with it all on her own, and she doesnt have the experience and knowledge that I have in dealing with it either. So I feel that whats been missing is that I was 100% in with both feet, before the accident, and then after, with the coma, and the long recovery and all the experiences, and time spent, and love and devotion...and I held his very life in my hands....and now nothing...So this is where I stand right now. Call me crazy, but why then do I suddenly feel so AT PEACE???

Sooo...I know it's best not to have contact with Danny...for maybe a long time...but I won't deny my love anymore. And I feel in my heart that he needs me...or at least the help I can offer him out of my love and concern for him. He's not the only one this has happened to. Several of my friends in brain injury support have told me tales this week of FAR worse behavior problems during recovery. And after 3 or so years, they are much better...and very different. So, I know friends and family may think my feelings are foolish, but I don't think they are at all. All I am simply saying, is that our love was strong...mine is strong. We may NEVER hold one another again, and thats ok, but I don't have to force something to die that clearly isn't. I don't want a relationship with another man...I'm NOT putting away the pictures in my bedroom of Danny and I, and I will focus on living a full-filling life for my kids and I. Only God knows the future. Its not up to me or anyone else to map that out...

This is my part of our journey...