FOR DANNY.... "Yesterday"...

Aug. 6, 2011

As I've been working on this blog over the past few days, Danny has expressed concern that people reading don't know what he looked like before his accident...before the coma and relearning of everything. He wants people to see the "real him," and what he looked like, he says. I'm not QUITE sure why this concerns him, except that he has always had some social anxiety, and I definitely do understand his feelings in that he may not want to be only "thought of" as the frail and injured guy in the hospital and recovery pictures. He is holding on to his self-image from who he was, and memories he has retained...and so... for you Danny, I am posting a big bunch of pictures of you before all this happened...photos of the handsome and yes, sexy guy you were and still are ...the great "dad" figure you've been with Nick...and a few pictures of us...

Spring 2010

Nick took this of Danny n I about 2yrs ago. I had a friend "photo shop" it, and it sat framed at Danny's bedside all through the hospital and rehab stay, and is above our bed now...

late summer 2009

summer 2010...teaching Nick to target-shoot

summer 2010

very early spring 2010

fall 2010...Danny with his mom Susie, and two sisters Tara and Kimmy

winter 2009 at the arcade

dying eggs with Nick and my granddaughter Sarah spring 2010

My most favorite shot of Danny fall 2009

late summer 2009

spring 2010...Danny's OCD would normally prevent him from tearing worms apart...but he was able to do it for Nick

spring 2010

summer 2010

fall 2009

G-dghtr Sarah and Danny winter 2009

early spring 2010

spring 2010 perfecting his colored egg

spring 2010...a big catch...of "seaweed" lol

fall 2009 Nick and Danny working on my car

fall 2010 Danny with sister Kimmy's children, Zakk and Zoee

spring 2010

winter 2009

winter 2010

These are Danny before we were together (altho I've known him for years)

He was in his early to mid-twenties. This and the last one are I believe when he was in Germany with the service for Operation Enduring Freedom. The middle two are I believe somewhere between 2006-2008...not sure...

JULY 2011

    The month of July was sooo hot, above 85, 90, and even 95 sometimes most of the days of the month. The hour drive back and forth to therapy was often excruciating. Danny was full-swing into his obsession with fixing the stereo sound system in the car, and each and EVERY trip in the car I dealt with him making me wait an hour or more for him to tinker with it. His sleep cycle was reversed for half the month, and he began refusing to get up and get ready for his appointment sometimes. One weekend that we stayed at Barb's, he again slept all day but was awake at night, and we spent the evenings out on her patio talking.
    OCD was still ruling Danny's awake times, but I could handle the  occasional things he did that were extreme. He spent about 2 weeks spending copious amounts of time on the computer, and when I would go to use it, it would take me hours sometimes to straighten out the mess he got it into. And often he ripped apart my surround sound system and drug speakers from everywhere to create his own version of realistic sounding music or video games. I would let him go, and just fix everything back the next day. 
    Along with computer obsession came more fixating on his ex in Germany...writing to her, asking her to visit, grilling her about his old belongings, asking if he could come stay there, telling her how he missed her. It took everything in my power to take all this in stride. I just kept telling myself he was trying to connect with the past, since it was fragmented somewhat and all he could really remember. She wrote to me personally several times. She wanted to know how to handle Danny and his emails. I told her to handle it any way she wanted. I lost my patience when he decided to call her one day though, in Germany, and stay on the phone for almost 3 hours. I was not pleased with the 320 dollar phone bill I received. Luckily the phone company did my a "one-time service" and took it away given the circumstances. I also had international calling removed. He still kept trying to call her, and I would have to remind him every time that I took away the long-distance.
    I grew quite close to some of the girls in my brain injury support forum and Danny and I both had the pleasure of conversing by phone with some of them. It was awesome how we all understood and cared about each other. 
    My car was beginning to have a lot of problems and I feared it nearing its end. The radiator broke, then a rear wheel brake shattered and locked up, along with numerous minor things. More living on the edge....
    I was having insomnia and nightmares much more frequently.
    I was trying to get Danny's nights and days back to normal, and also wanted to curb the growing aggression he seemed to be starting with. It began to appear as if his prior bipolar issues were returning more strongly, and this was frightening. He still refused to shower but for every week or even less.
    At the end of the month ANOTHER different psychiatrist "adjusted" meds again. Alittle Vyvanse was good right? So maybe more will be better. WRONG! Depakote and Seroquel were increased, but the Vyvanse increase was a disaster. Danny now was a nervous wreck, full of anxiety, restless etc....and just not a nice person sometimes...


Summing up July in my journal...

A day or two of stress...
Monday, August 1, 2011 | A Frustrating story

Like the nut that I am, either Danny is keeping me up all night, or he is asleep (since 4:30am) and i of course can't sleep a wink. I've been having awful insomnia for a couple weeks now, and when I do fall asleep, I have dreams that wake me...not nightmares(my USUAL dilemma)...just weird flashes of ppl that last a few moments but wake me. I even see the ppl I am friends with on HERE, sitting in hosp rooms w/their family, or in their homes....I'd say this TBI stuff must really be dominating my subconscience as well as my waking time....

So anywho..... The trip to the psychiatrist Friday was very disturbing, as was the visit to the pharmacy afterwards. A new psychiatrist had come to the office several weeks ago, and I was VERY pleased with him. He was the 1st such that I'd ever met that didnt appear to need one HIMSELF lol. He was wonderful, on top of things, analyzed carefully what he was doing and/or trying with meds, LISTENED to us talk abt what was going on, and was on the same page with Danny's neuropsychologist, calling him frequently to discuss changes and to discuss DANNY! He made med changes and additions that really helped Danny. Well, we walk into the office to find out that Dr"***" is "no longer with us because he couldnt seem to get to work on time very often..."  I dont GIVE A CRAP!! I want him! I love him!!!! I was so totally disgusted. So we are in the office with the "old" psychiatrist who is now back again. Danny didnt get a chance to even talk abt anything...nor I. He just talked over us basically. He said "We have to get you off valium cuz you are on an ADHD med and the state will look at that as prescribing an ""upper"" with a ""downer"" "  He WAS on Vyvanse before the accident...a much higher dose too, but it was restarted in June to help cuz of the TBI, to stimulate Danny's alertness....which it DID, like a miracle...if you remember back, Danny's fog lifted dramatically the day he started the medication. And the valium...well Danny has anxiety problems and was leaning toward aggressiveness to a dangerous point. I agree, 5mg 3x/day is alot of valium, so he reduced it to 2mg 3x/day...but he is going to take it away all together next month! Then there's the issue with the Celexa. When I went to pick it up last week the pharmacy says all the sudden that they need a pre-auth from the dr. cuz of the high dose (60mg)...ok Simple thing. Dr calls them with a verification and number saying Danny needs this dose. Well Dr "Old dr" AND the secretary, say "Noooo, if the state kicks the script back, then the PHARMACY has to start paperwork to get it approved" They wouldnt listen to reason! I've been down this road before during this past 8mo. I know what I'm freaking talking abt...just give me the pre-auth NUMBER!!!"  Nope!  THEN they start going on abt not being surprised if several of his meds dont get covered anymore since the state has made major changes. They hand me this info sheet, and it says all abt only one med in each class of meds being allowed etc, and they "dont foresee" this being a problem resulting in mental health crisis...but the results of it will be seen later....WHAT!!!???? After ppl with schizophrenia go out and do a Casey Anthoney??? Or someone like Danny, or any of our guys and gals w/brain injury has setbacks cuz the meds arent there? THEN they will decide it was a dangerous move???I cant pay for them outta pocket. There isnt enuff funds to stretch any thinner here!! So needless to say I was fuming when we left. Poor sweet Danny...didnt understand any of what was going on. He's asking me to explain but it was just too complex, and he's like "Awww dont worry, I have LOTS of money on my army cash card to pay for all of it"....GGGrrrrrr....there hasnt been an army "cash card" since 2006....lol

 So...off to the pharmacy to drop off the scripts. I am feeling confused more...there have been numerous med changes throughout the months, and knowing what is what is growing harder...but i'm holding it together. I think I've got an excellent handle on all this complicated crap! The day before, I picked up some of the scripts and noticed when I got home and looked at the pills, that they filled the old kind of Depakote Danny was switched from in June, rather than the extended release he is on now. So I start out by getting the bottle outta my purse and telling them they are the wrong pills. Now I know my usual girl didnt fill them cuz she is very on top of things, but they are like "What? How could that be bla bla bla" She finds that there was a refill left on the old depakote script so they filled it. It was my fault cuz I didnt give them the rx# when I called for the refills. They tell me the scripts dont come up on the computer in any kind of order and they dont have a way to mark old scripts on the computer as discontinued, so you have to give the rx# so they know. OOOOHHH OK. So what if Danny were doing this on his own and not noticed? What if he took 3 500mg depakote ALL AT ONCE at bedtime, cuz thats when he takes the NEW extended release ones? What abt old ppl who arent as aware...or have poor eyesight, or are half in dementia? I worked in a nursing home for 12yrs, and it was PRIORITY to mark meds D/C'd...DISCONTINUED, as soon as a dose was changed, or stopped all together, or what the heck ever!!! You mean to tell me a PHARMACY cant do this?? Come ON!!! Ok, I believe they were telling the truth, but GEEZ!!! Maybe some computer updating is in order???

Then I hand her all the new scripts. Well, the lower dose Valium wont get filled cuz we just had one for valium filled the day before. I can understand where the "state" may have a problem with this....afterALL...with too many valium in the house maybe we will SELL them...or worse (GASP) I might TAKE them. So a dr writes for 2mg 3x/day, but I cant follow his orders and will have to split his 5mg ones and give him 2.5mg 3x/day instead. Whatever!

I explain that the Dr and his office INSIST they dont need to give a pre-auth# for the Celexa. The lady at the pharmacy is angry. I can see her point. She's bitchin behind the counter..."I cant believe in this day and age a dr doesnt understand what a pre-auth is!!" Yea, well those were my thoughts too, I tell her. Out I go.

Back in an hour to pick up the medications. The Celexa script was kicked back, as we knew it would be. I ask if she cant CALL the dr or something...she says she did, no answer...and says she faxed the dr telling him what she needs. Good luck with that...I think he's only in once a week or some bullshit!! Monday(today) i'll find out if the script can be filled. Danny has one week of his script left...  THEN she tells me the Namenda cant be filled cuz the state wont approve it for some reason...prolly wondering why a 30yr old guy is taking an Alzhiemer med. WHO CARES WHY!! You "state" ppl arent drs or even MEDICAL ppl at ALL!!! Its a MEMORY med...hellOOOOO...doc wants him on it to help with his memory loss!! She said I'll also find out today after she makes phone calls whether it will get pushed thru. Well, here at home I already split all the Namenda and am weaning him off. I'll be DAMNED if the "state" is gonna "cold turkey" Danny!!! So....the whole dr/pharmacy thing was real upsetting!!

Danny has been doing pretty good....still telling, without realizing, wild stories at times, but not near as badly. We've stopped looking for the lost cars...altho he does still say someone has them somewhere. He asks a dozen times a day if he just came here from his aunt and uncle's house, and other places...like the "camp thing"...memories from the army...and he's still looking for that old "cash card". He is way overboard with his OCD some days, ripping stuff apart, rewiring things, working on the car stereo for copious amts of time. And...he is on a poor sleep/wake cycle STILL. And i'm on one too now right along with him. He also has these "amorous" periods where there just isnt enough time in the world to have all the sex he wants to have...we are on day 3 of this...lol. Dont get me wrong...I love sex...but holy crap!!! This started Thursday night, and I can count the hours I've slept in a row on one hand. Guess its a good thing I've been having insomnia anyway...He IS so affectionate and attentive tho, which is nice. He always was that way, but now he's even more that way...so I guess I just enjoy it before he goes into a 2 week lull and sleeps night n day again haha.

Saturday I woke with a horrible migraine and was in bed all day!! Its the worst one I had in several years...couldnt even lift my head off the pillow. I wanted Danny to go downstairs and get me Excedrin...not that that would help anyway at the point I was at...but could you go bring me some? His answer?  "You know what takes away a headache every time dont you?" MMMhhmmmm....but you know what? It took my mind off it awhile anyway....lol

Typical Days of Aggravation in July

One of my days...Grrrrrr
Saturday, July 23, 2011 | A Frustrating story

Today was one of the most frustrating days yet!! Last night Danny was anxious to go to therapy today. We got to bed early, altho sleeping was difficult cuz we only have fans in our bedroom and it didnt touch this heat. 

We got up, we ate, he took his meds, but then he started his hemming n hawing abt going to therapy. "I dont need it. There's nothin wrong with me" etc. Nothing I can say or do changes him when he gets like that. I'm getting tired of missing appts and I feel like the rehab must think its a reflection on me. To be honest, I dont have it in me to keep trying to talk him into it. I DID tell him tho that he hadda call them HIMSELF and tell them. 

We had already missed speech therapy. Its an hour n 5min away. Well, he called, and she talked him into at least coming to see the neuropsychologist. Well thats wonderful, except he was still in his PJs and unbathed, and we would have to leave in 20 min to get there in time. I have a TERRIBLE time getting him motivated to get a bath and he hadnt gotten one night before. And because of the TBI I guess, it doesnt seem to bother him at all not bathing. This is sooo NOT Danny. He was always SCRUPULOUS with bathing and grooming, in fact overboard with it cuz of his OCD. Well he goes up to get ready and I'm telling him over and over..."You have 20 min and we HAVE to leave!" I go up in a few minutes and he's sitting there smoking a ciggy. He says "I am, I am" when I say "GET READY!!!" He's going on abt how he can't believe he's been being such a "scumbag" etc 

Well he's taking his good old time, washing at the sink as slow as can be, picking just the right clothes etc. Then he's washing his hair over the tub etc etc. I'm VERY irritated by now. Dont feel like driving an hour in 100 degree heat to catch the last 25 min of his appt. I'm getting very annoyed, yelling even. Nothing moves him faster. Once he was ready he STILL wasnt coming outta the house even tho I'm out front blowing the horn. Finally we left.

The appt went ok. Dr suggested he try to get involved in some activity thats volunteer or something. OK...

When we get out to the sweltering car I remind him I have to be back in town by 5pm to pay my car ins. or it will cancel at midnight. What does he do? WORKS ON THE CAR STEREO for OVER an HOUR!! I am HOT! Sweat is pouring off me, my mascara is burning in my eyes, I am yelling "Come on!" To no avail. With his OCD, its always "Ok im almost done" "just another moment" etc. He's got his head in the trunk with the subwoofers, splicing wires, connecting them, doing god only knows what. As the time came and went to make it to town in time I am beside myself, crying and eventually soooo angry I punched the shit outta my steering wheel (my knuckles are bruised) Driving home I'm angry as hell, and he HAS NO IDEA WHY!!!

When we get into town, he wants to stop at an old friend's house that he's been saying has his old weightbench (from back pre-army days...like 2000). He goes in, and again, I'm in the car, sweating my ass off, dying, gettin mad. I had to go n after him in a half hour and made a fool of myself bitching. Now the ppl prolly think I'm just a bitch all the time.

We finally get home, and pass a kid on a motorbike, and he's yelling for me to stop so he can ask the kid if he wants to sell the bike (with WHAT MONEY is he buying anything???) I refuse and keep driving. I am a bundle of nerves, hot, exhausted and ready to hit up the state store!!

On top of that, I figured at least if I put the ins. money in the bank machine I can pay it online before midnight. Well, isnt the damn machine being serviced!!! Gota try later.

NOW he decided to walk up the block to one of Nick's friend's dad's house to ask if he has any projects he can do. He's NEVER walked anywhere from the house yet. Guess I gotta walk up and check on hm soon. Who knows if he can find his way home.
Its too hot for this aggravation.!!!

Comments

1. remove

   
   

   Oh Blue sorry for the hard crappy frustating day!!!!! You need a nice dip in a pool somewhere.....
   aef55
2. remove

   
   

   you know, there were bright spots that I neglected to be ABLE to see in my anger yesterday (the heat and the fact that I HAD to be back in town by 5 were what were frustrating me the most...I've become used to and actually "ok" with how Danny gets involved in projects) It IS good that he at least gets interested in projects. Some of our partners arent able to do that. I wish I had lots of harmless things he could work on that he's interested in and wouldnt cause damage if he goes overboard with them. Another nice thing was that an older woman walking in the parking lot came over to Danny and was complimenting him on the work he was doing, and saying how great it was that he can work on stereos etc and that she "can barely even plug an appliance in" and that was the extent of her do-it-yourself ability. I could see the pride in Danny's face and it made me momentarily happy for him. It was just one of those bad days. The heat broke an 85yr record Friday where we were, and sitting around hot and frustrated cuz I was nervous abt getting home just got the best of me. At this point I also have to look at my OWN fault in the situation. I waited til the day the insurance was going to cancel(not my fault exactly...I was waiting on an unemployment check) but I had the money in my purse Thursday, and should have taken care of it sooner. Now, when I put the money in the bank machine, the whole amt was not available and so I had to pay 2/3 of it online. Hopefully Monday when its all available the car ins. company will reinstate after I call them and explain....so I need to practice not only patience, but work on my SEVERE procrastination problem (a problem of mine ALL MY LIFE)
   
   Wanting to walk to a friend's house also IS an accomplishment for him in the motivation area. It is bothering me NOW, because I am set to return to work this week, and have it in my "worry-bank" that instead of taking for granted that he always stays inside unless i'm with him, I'm worried he will go someplace and get lost while i'm at work. Thank heavens most of the shifts will be 11-7 nightshift. Snap and I were IMing last night and discussing that an ID bracelet with his name, "brain injury/confusion", our address and phone would be good to get for him. I know he wont wanna wear it all the time, but maybe he'll agree to just when I'm not here.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   WIRES  
   
   

   Tuesday, July 26, 2011

   Today I had a 4hr orientation to care for a 2mo old sick baby. I work tomorrow all day...but then thats it cuz the family doesnt want nightshift nursing, which was what I was gonna do. So anyway, hadda walk almost 2 blocks in a heavy downpour to get to my car when I was done....I love rain, but had paperwork n stuff w/me so it wasnt a good time.

   Came in the door and Danny's of course involved in projects....lol. He's been trying for a couple weeks to get some old dead cell phone to charge and work...to no avail. Old chargers all over, spliced wires etc. My daughter was havin a fit cuz he had her phone and was tryin to use her SIM card. Oh brother. Then she went to make cookies but someone used all the butter...so Danny to the rescue, trying to scientifically calculate how much cooking oil would equal the butter called for. He's got a calculater, measuring cups all over. After an hour he gave up on that. I made soup and laid down on the sofa for a nap.

   Abt 2 hrs later all this LOUD RUMBLING gunfire woke me. Here Danny ripped all my speakers and subwoofer outta the kitchen, plus found 2 smaller subs, and wired them all up to the surround sound system, so Nick's game sounds like we are in a real war! He even has a speaker UNDER the sofa so the sofa is off balance but vibrates like "sense-surround" (Remember that from the 70's when the movie Earthquake came out?). A big tangled mess of wires was all over the floor! I almost started laughing. Nick's making a face and pointing at it all smiling. I said in his ear "Awww he did that for YOU" and he said "I know mom"

   Later, Nick n I were headed to the RED BOX to get a movie. Danny asks to go and runs out to get in with us...no shirt or shoes. When he gets in he realizes the subs in the car STILL arent working (What he was working on that day in the heat) And now they want something from Burger King too. In the car he's pulling out the stereo while i'm driving foolin with the wires, trying to use a lighter and my cell to see. At the RED BOX he says "pop the trunk" "Pop the hood" and he starts going over all the connections Nicks in the back n says (SIGH)"we are gonna be here all night" I just laugh...i did good!!! In a half hour or so he gave it up...after taking fuses out for my headlights etc to try to use them for the amplifier...

   We got to watch the movie....after he figured out what connections to reverse to get the DVD player to work. He fell asleep thankfully, cuz all he did was chatter thru the first part of the movie. Now Nick is playing his PS3 game again(more figuring out connections to reverse for ME). I wonder what he'll get into while i'm gone 8hrs tomorrow....but i'm proud of myself for being patient :-)

      Send to a Friend      Share This

   
   

   RATE THIS ENTRY:

   Inspirational

   Moving

   Helpful

   Creative

    

   1. remove

      
      
   2. remove

      
      
   3. remove

      
      
   4. remove

      
      
   5. 
      

In June the Fog Lifts

On June 1st Danny started new meds and had old ones adjusted for better evened out affect. The two added meds were Vyvanse, which was the ADHD med he used to be on, and Namenda, which is actually a drug to improve memory in Alzheimer patients. The very day he started the Vyvanse there were dramatic changes, mostly for the better, but side-effects that included restlessness and a severe exacerbation of his OCD. On June 4th I journaled about it on my brain injury support site.....


Med effects/moods
Saturday, June 4, 2011 | A Breaking News story

  Danny started the ADHD and memory medications Thursday AM. He was goin on abt the lost cars as soon as he woke up that day, wanted to call the State Police and sounding like he might get very agitated real soon...but as the morning wore on he seemed to come out from under a fog! He was watching TV calmly and seemed oddly very lucid. For example he was discussing all my spellings and punctuations with me as I was writing a blog, and with 100% accuracy! His conversation seemed WAY more focused too. We were talking abt all sorts of things. Later in the evening he was researching something online and stayed focused on it for 2 hrs. We used to ALWAYS do that before, kinda like a hobby, just look up all sorts of things we were curious abt and learn abt them. He hasnt touched the computer since the accident. We were up late talking abt things and he just seemed so much more "like he was before". Even his wobbly gait improved and yesterday on our trips to drs and therapy, he was more steady and carried himself tall and proud like he used to.  I thought, this MUST be my imagination or the power of suggestion. Families of brain injury patients say ALL the TIME that they keep/kept waiting for some miracle moment or epiphany in recovery, but it doesnt come. Recovery is long, slow, difficult for everyone to go thru, and has ups n downs...but it's a steady grind.

        Anyway, here n there thru the day he said he felt dizzy, "funny", n once had nausea, and I figure the medication is affecting him to a degree. The Namenda for memory takes days to kick in, so its the Vyvanse for ADHD, which he was on before the accident, that is making him more alert. What I cant figure out is, that he had/has pretty serious ADHD, and the med was helping that before. It is in essence, an amphetamine. They say if you really dont have ADHD, the med will make you "speedy" and it didnt before. But now it must be having that effect at least alittle. IDK. I talked to his psychiatrist's nurse later that day and she told the dr and they are thrilled. He also didnt have the seroquel and depakote thru the day cuz both are at night now and extended release, so those things werent making him sluggish.

      There are some side-effects tho. Along with being more alert, that night and yesterday he also became weepy at times, kinda depressed. He expressed fears that his life will be "nothing" now because of this brain injury, and worries he wont ever be normal etc. He is saying he is very scared. I look at this tho, kinda as a good thing and step forward too. I dont want him to be scared or sad, but BEFORE he didnt even have an AWARENESS of how he is now. He didnt even use the words brain injury before, like he really had no clue what he had. So I'm hoping things even out with these med changes and then the drs can work on tweaking them. Maybe he will need something more for depression, or something. The neuropsychologist said yesterday when we saw him, that he agrees with what the psychiatrist changed, and he still wants to reduce all the meds he possibly can, but first they will tweak and get everything good, then slowly start cutting it all down and down.

Today will be day 3 on the meds. I'm actually anxious for him to wake up today so I can see how he is, what changes, if its even better as the Namenda kicks in. I know I really have my hopes up, but it just seems miraculous to me. It means he is capable of being less confused. Also I wonder if a low dose amphetamine has ever really been tried with TBI, to increase alertness, awareness and lessen confusion. It seems like something that should or could be tried.

      Well anyway, just wanted to update you all on how its working. I will keep you posted. Love to all!!!

As we moved thru the month of June, so many things seemed better as far as alertness and memory, but some seemed so much worse. The OCD raged stronger and stronger, and he seemed discouraged and upset so often...

My chronicling on Facebook described the daily happiness as well as frustration. Things seemed to become very complicated very fast....

JUNE 3rd....Yesterday was an emotionally draining day. The new med 4 adhd seems 2 have lifted a fog. Danny took no naps yesterday (unheard of) n he has exploded back into his nonstop talking mode. Theres been conversation all last nite n 2day, deep insightful stuff on both our parts, and also some negative n hurtful exchanges. The journey continues 2 twist n change.

Today was good. Dannys talkin ALOT, 2 the point of lookin n gettin anxious. Also real weepy n fearing 4 his life n future 2 B "nothing" cuz of this. Hopin in few days meds level out, n if not more tweaking 2 B done. 

JUNE 4th... Dannys been sleepin all day, but thats alright. He just had the very first 2 days since he's been home in 4 months, to be up all day with no naps at all and active. He is exhausted obviously, and that brain of his wants to heal so bad and needs rest to do so....so sleep my love.

JUNE 5th...Tonight we talked and watched a movie n some TV, ate dinner, and we went to sleep for awhile on the sofa. He watched the discovery channel. Still alert, little weepiness, less mention of "the cars"

Danny is very engrossed in all the menus/settings on the cable box. He's pressing all sorts of buttons...I hope he knows what he's doing...but I can see he doesnt.  uh-oh...so Danny's med for ADHD is clearing his thinking, but now his severe OCD is raging. He has been in front of the TV fooling with the settings on the cable box for HOURS!! I'm going nuts watching him. He hasnt touched his supper and I cant get him away from it. Grrrr....

JUNE 7th....Dan refused 2 go 2 dr 2day. Rescheduled. Said hes 2 mentally a wreck 2 go. Of course, thats why we R SEEING all these drs 2 get him better. 

JUNE 9th...Danny got 2 sleep@1am I think, but neither of us slept well w/the heat (our bedroom AC broke last fall) Now its 5pm n he hasnt gotten up yet, refusing his pills n wont come downstairs where its cool. Guess I cant force him but geez, he hasnt eaten either. N we'll be up all nite again. I feel he's depressed 2day...he fears 4 his future n feels worthless. If only he believed how very much he's worth 2 me!!

JUNE 10th...Goin 2 Dr alone cuz I need papers signed. Danny refuses 2 get up,says why try..lost 8yrs of his life,tireda bein confused not knowin where hes at or what day it is, bein told hes not in army anymore etc. I'm ashamed 2 say I blew up@him, asked if he's jus gonna give up,lie in bed n rot now, n told him I'm disappointed in his attitude. He was NEVER a quitter. God 4give me I kno he cant help it, but i'm scared of this mindset!

 Dr D says 2 hang in, keep encouraging, and that Dannys welcome 2 call him anytime 2 talk. Nick n I visited Barb 4 a bit. We got 2 see a Lamborgini on the highway on the way home...Nick was thrilled! When we walked in I was met with a huge, hug and teary-eyed kiss cuz he missed me so :-) 

JUNE 12th...Danny's been doing all sorts of confused stuff on the computer, downloading all kinds of nonsense, opening dozens of tabs, screwing with the modem. It took me an hr to even get on FB and no pix are showing up. IDK what the hell Danny did 2 this puter but I cant get on my brain injury support site and I REALLY need 2 vent. 

JUNE 16th...Danny's renewed interest in the computer is ablaze. And now he has emailed Sonja in Germany...a buncha stuff abt missing her etc. It really hurts. She wrote me on Facebook to tell me and to ask what she should say or if she should even reply. I told her to make the decision herself. Sonja is a great woman, and very like me in charector, and I hold no resentment at all toward her, but Danny's actions are hurtful. This is the single most difficult thing I ever had to go thru in life. Of course I dont HAVE to, but I guess love makes you want n NEED 2 give all u can, all u are n all u have. I just pray we can weather this bizarre storm&in the end have a love that survived it. I love you Danny...come on damnit, we can do this together. Pick up that chin n get that sweet ass in gear! There's work 2 be done!!

JUNE 17th...We've been talkin n talkin n talkin. Danny is comin outta the fog more n more, n emerging a different n better person. He is very frightened. He has had me reading 2 him for hrs...my blogs, n other ppl's from my brain injury support site. He is tryin 2 make sense of it all. Hes now writing 2 someone from the site :-) 

He's givin me a hard time again abt goin 2 his appt. cuz he stayed up all night and is tired. I called the neuro Dr and left a voicemail 4 him 2 plz call n talk 2 him. Theses neuro appts are the most important 2 get 2 n he HAS to go!! I'm frustrated!!!

JUNE 21st...Yesterday the lady from state waiver program as much as said after the assessment that Danny isn't "bad" enuff 2 qualify 4 any help, like nite supervision while I work etc. Thats good news right? Of course! In a few more weeks I dont think there should b a problem goin 2 work w/him here@night not bein "watched". He's doin good! :-) 

JUNE 22nd...Dr is tweaking meds a bit more 2 try 2 boost motivation, correct sleep cycle n eliminate depression, was impressed by Danny's current state. CeCe the nurse there spoke to us(mostly Dan)for over an hour. She is sooo good, patient, knowledgable, but just plain comforting...geez it makes me wish she were my mom, haha. She's so good with Danny. I'm thankful 4 the wonderful ppl we have found 2 help guide us thru all this.

JUNE 23rd...A little stressed....a bit frustrated...pretty baffled...and right now trying for Danny to track down money he got when his dad died. It was blown...all of it... blown in Germany...but he doesnt believe that, but IDK, and its bothering him. I just feel like I need to help him find out what happened to it

JUNE 26th...My car wont start. Im broke. My amnesiac bf thinks im just his "buddy". I mean really...what next?

JUNE 29th...Muddling through...difficult stuff...relationship tangles and confusion for Danny and so also for me...memory loss is an awful thing, seeking to destroy what was, and trying to mess up what is. Its hard for me, for us, and all I can do is keep waiting and trying to get through it day by day, and what will be will be...

I didn't know how to weigh these things against eachother...was it better to improve the memory with a stimulant and have him more alert? Was it a fair trade off in that he now was more aware of himself and was feeling depression as well as more OCD and was driven to do "projects" at an alarming rate? No one had answers for me, and I only could do what I felt each day was best. This was all uncharted territory for me, and actually pretty much so for the doctors too since Danny had so many predisposing conditions...

My Decision to Blog our Journey

In June I decided so much time was passing by, and it was probably out of my scope of ability any time soon to write a book about this journey, so I decided to start this blog....

The Reason for my blog...

by Kathleen Quinn-Farber on Monday, June 20, 2011 at 12:23pm

  My recent but eventual ambition was to someday write a book about Danny's and my TBI journey, in fact I've always wanted to write a book. I excelled in journalism since I was as young as elementary school. In '75-'76 at the age of 12 I had an over 400 page novel started abt flying saucers called "The Ultimate Encounter". Ironically in 1977 "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" was released. My mom threw my project in the garbage on one of her wild cleaning rampages :-( In 6th grade I wrote a play abt conservation starring African animals, and I actually got to choreograph it, create costumes, practice and put the play on for the school. I took courses thru the mail back in '94-'95 and my teachers all told me I have great talent for writing. And those of my friends and family who have read what Ive written thru the years have praised my work as expressionful, creative and with the ability to paint emotional pictures for people. Unfortunately money didnt allow for me to pursue that dream, nor an art career, and then as life went on I got side-tracked and well, its all history now.

   So anyway, I realized there is such a lack of information out there on brain injury...for victims as well as families. To really find books and reading material to help ppl feel not alone in this problem, is difficult. The few books and movies I found, I soaked up like a sponge. And if you dont find a support group as I did, it all can become extremely overwhelming. So I wanted to write a book, someday, but thats not realistic right now. I'd have no idea where to start, how to do it, or where to find the time or money to do it correctly. Not at this point anyway. So I started a blog last night.

   After Danny's accident in Dec, I used my Facebook as a way to chronicle things in order to keep family and friends abreast of the day to day changes and happenings. From family, friends, co-workers, old schoolmates, I received an out-pouring of love, prayers, and eager requests for updates as they followed what was a miracle. So I started going back to all those posts and copy/pasted them in my private journal on my online support site, and will use them, as well as adding all my other memories and so forth. I just got thru the introduction last night, and a couple more entries this morning. It will be a therapeutic, as well as enriching and creative endeavor for me. And for ppl going thru the same, or ppl who come across it in a search for help, it will help others as well.I'm really excited abt this :-)

http://dannysjourneyback.blogspot.com