Transitions

     On January 17th, after having Danny visiting here for a tad over a week, we had an "incident" where he got out of hand and really frightened me, as well as Nick, and I had to take action which involved calling the police to the house. Everything was so good for all the days he stayed, but due to his impulsiveness and rapid mood changes, well...unfortunately I knew it could or would happen. I put off taking him home, I know...I wanted him to stay longer, but there were passing moments when I also wanted to take him back home. After the incident mentioned above, I was forced to decide that bringing him to the house could not be an option anymore...at least not for now.
    This has been the very hardest thing to go through so far. The first few days and week, I seriously felt I needed to completely cut ties. I was prepared to do that even though it hurt us both tremendously...but as time went on the deeper reality became apparent...for close to three years, I have been all Danny's had in his life. He had drifted away from his family and those bonds were now only beginning to rebuild because of and since his accident. He has had no friends left...but for me. Then there has been this past year since the wreck, and all we have gone through. I mean, to really sit down and digest it all...it's been a hellish, full, frustrating, and yet in so many ways, beautiful journey. I've said before, I continue to consider this journey a gift...an experience that I would never trade away.....But anyway, although there is no marriage binding us, I realize...recognize, that there is something much stronger...more vital...binding us. There is friendship first and foremost, as the foundation...we have something there that many don't have. Then we have the relationship that we built upon that friendship...as crazy and unorthodox as it seemed/seems to others (and personally, I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about that anymore at this point.) Then the accident...when I really and truly became "in touch" with my true feelings for Danny. I discovered that he wasn't just a mid-life crisis/fling with a younger guy. I came to understand, that this was a human being I connected with...that with understanding and dealing with his "quirkiness", he also understood ME and dealt with mine as well. I felt love like I'd never experienced it before...the kind of undying love that would cause me to put my entire life on hold to grasp his hand and try to pull him through. The weeks and months following the accident...OMG...just filled to the brim with challenges and victories and heartaches...with pressures and problems and paperwork...with obstacles, laughter and dedication to someone I love, and who to me, IS WORTH going the extra mile for. We have been through so much together...and it just is not as simple as people who care about me, THINK it should be. It's not just a boyfriend/girlfriend break-up issue. I have taken on a responsibility. By being at his side since the day of the accident, every day...watching every step, every therapy, meeting with every doctor, being the one attending every appointment, obtaining power-of-attorney so that I could have full rights to assist at my fullest...I mean, it goes on and on. But by being that person, I am now who kind of holds his life in the palm of my hand. Yes, as I've been told...."his family is now responsible for him, not you"...that's all well and good, and I really have to hand it to them...despite the various challenges in their own lives, they ARE stepping up to the plate to do what they can for him. But the problem is, I don't know...I guess I feel that I have traveled this road with him, and I just can't walk away...nor do I want to. The key phrase here being I DON'T WANT TO. I could wash my hands of him...I could gather my 50lb bag of records and paperwork, hand it to his mom with a list of his doctors and meds and "what do we do now?" lists...I could drop the power of attorney...the being payee for his disability...I could give him a big fat sloppy farewell kiss on the cheek and say "Ok, you guys are all on your own...cuz I'm outta here" 

I can't....I love him...hell, I even care alot for his  mom and sister. I feel badly...I under estimated them.

    So here we are...oh, he is driving me nuts, dont get me wrong...endless...I mean ENDLESS confused calls, voicemails, conversations, and yes, I am a tad frightened of him at times even. I've done a lot of reading past few days, about psychosis and effects of brain injury...it effects some people, unfortunately, in a more severe way...but it CAN heal. I know there is a man inside his heart, that through all his walls of protection and and acting all strong and "untouchable"...IS capable of healing and who loves me. I felt it today, when he thought I was sleeping on his bed, and he spent a long time stroking my face and kissed me on the forehead.  And when I see the joy in his face when he hasn't seen me for a week, and his face lights up like a Christmas tree. And i've felt it so much over the past year as well. I feel and see things that can not be faked... things you feel right down in the center of your tummy...feelings you just know are worthwhile and genuine.

    I plan on not...maybe never...living with him...I mean, from what people in my brain injury support group tell me, there are years left for change and improvement...even almost complete healing...so I should never say never...but for now, given the circumstances,my life, my kids...I also know fully that I need to go on with my own life now...but I can certainly parrellel my life with his. Maybe we will drift apart as he recovers and regains his independance. That's ok too. I will know I got to experience one of life's greatest joys...simply unconditionally loving someone... 

My Biggest Heartaches- 1/09/12

    My biggest heartaches...not knowing if Danny will ever "make it" in life...my missing him soooo much...my awful feelings inside because of my promise to him that this was his home forever (but now that had to change)...the mourning that comes with brain injury because it literally steals away the person you knew and replaces them with a different individual.

    At the point Danny's at right now...recovery-wise...he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him that needs any sort of treatment. His memory is fine. He doesn't see what we see...not knowing what we talked about just an hour ago and so forth.
   
    Right now it's the being apart that is hurting us. I miss him desperately...I feel so lonely without him. Then I wonder if that is a severe sign of co-dependance. I don't know. I just know I hate all this, and that I promised him his home was here...and would always be...and now look! Last night I actually kinda melted down thinking of that. I thought I was all cried out...no...the tears keep regenerating I guess.

    Then there's the issue of him coming to stay over-night. Everything goes well, but past 48hrs it starts to get weird, with him getting an attitude of sorts. And this past Friday when I took him home (he had stayed 3 nights out of necessity due to an appt. being changed) I had a really hard time with him when I tried to leave him at his sister's house. It actually turned into a brawl of sorts. I made up my mind I wouldn't be coming for him until Tuesday when I got off work, but he has been calling me and BEGGING for me to come for him. I'm heartbroken, and all this doesn't make it easier. I know guys can and will say things to try to change your mind, but the problem is that I really don't think he understands what is going on fully. I know he is lost in a world of confusion. Today on the phone he was asking again if I would come get him and bring him home, so he can sleep in our bed and "smell" me, and saying that we have created something together and he needs me. GOD if I thought things would change, I would bring him home and keep him in an instant, but I KNOW we have to push forward with what we are doing. I only wish and hope and pray that the rehab accepts him and that he agrees to go...and stays. Maybe with 90 days of intense therapy he would be better...

    I have more or less come to realize that he may or may not get any better. I feel I have failed...but I know I really shouldn't. Because of his lack of memory about our past almost 3 years, I thought maybe he would just "slide" with this and accept the new direction we are trying to push him into...but it doesn't seem to be going that way. He is suddenly now realizing what has occurred...gradually seeing the gravity of it all. What I wanted him to understand before we came to this point...he is seeing now...when it's a tad too late.

    My heart aches for him. I just wish there was a miracle cure...the God that answered all our prayers in keeping him alive...that God that I would hope can do ANYTHING...why can't he help Danny out of this endless maze...this trap?

   
   

January 5th, 2012

     A rental house Danny and his mom were "sure to get" for next week, fell through yesterday. It sounded to us like the landlady didn't want to rent to them due to his disability...a lot of stupid reasons/excuses. Welcome to the world of discrimination. But perhaps that was for the best. It was next door to one of Danny's mom's old guy friends, who drinks a lot and can be a charecter, although a nice person. I don't think Danny getting involved with someone with those activities would be such a great idea anyway. So they are looking at another apartment tomorrow (Friday). Danny would like to put off this step indefinately and work on buying a car instead, but his thinking is delusional about that. He has no license, and has somewhat of a big process in the way of getting one. Things are getting tense at his sister's house as well, and this can't be put off too very long.
     Meanwhile, Dr. Diorio (Danny's neuropsychologist) continues to STRONGLY reccommend the brain injury rehab (ReMed) and will be having a phone conference with them most likely next week after the admissions committee reviews Danny's files again on Monday. He really needs to get accepted and I know the docter is going to push as hard as possible for it. Then we need to hope Danny agrees to go there. He was all for it, but now he seems to think it's a place to "put him away"...some sort of mental hospital. And he continues insisting there is really nothing at all wrong with him. My heavens how far from the truth.
     It feels like I have him here with me more than not. He stays 2 nights at a time lately with just two nights in between. I don't really mind it, but it does concern me a tad. He talks about just being able to "come home" and that breaks my heart, but I can't go back. It would only result in more crisis all over again after some time, and would do nothing to get him healed. This is so hard.
     Good news is I am returning to work at my pediatric nursing job...three nights a week, which will help me tremendously to get back into the groove. I havn't worked since June, and I miss it, although I do admit enjoying some time off. I'm quite certain I would not have been able to go through all the ordeals with Danny for NEAR as long had I been working.
     I keep having faith, and thinking about my future goals...just kinda small things....small things that are really big in actuality. Spending much more quality time with my kids, possibly furthering my education, writing more...maybe publishing my poetry, stories and even writing a children's book, and starting a little account to add to bit by bit so that I can in maybe two years take my trip to Ireland that I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. My life can be what I want it to be, and I am too old to keep waiting and "putting off". Danny can be part of things in my life, or he can choose not to, but it's time to live again, and because he seems to have given up on living and trying, does not mean I can. So I continue to pray for us both...together...apart...where ever the roads lead us...

Let's Not Forget the Happiness

Despite the month of December being so chock full of emotion and change... the fun, love and happiness can not be left by the wayside. Yes, December was the one year mark since Danny's horrific accident, and marked the anniversary of the start of 9 weeks...then one year... of waiting, hoping, crying, praying...and watching as Danny pulled through his trauma and began to travel the road to recovery. As the year went on there was so much that went on, and none of it was easy...but we got through it. But as one year passed by, we both found things to be getting too overwhelming, and together we discussed options. As heartbreaking as it was, I was forced to make the decision to give Danny over to his family. I needed rest and relief, and Danny knew I needed that as well. God bless him...his heart is unselfish deep inside.
So mid-December the move was made. For a solid week I did nothing much but cry. I guess I needed that to start to heal. Every time I went upstairs I looked down the hall and expected to see Danny lying in our bed...and if I heard someone coming downstairs I expected it to be him. My year-long ground-in routine is now full of holes...setting up his meds every week and giving them each day, prodding him to do his self-care, making sure he eats right, routines of getting up, appointments, dinner and movies and TV in bed...falling asleep wrapped tight in one another's arms. Kinda silly maybe, but that last thing is one of the very hardest to let go of. 18 years with my ex...he seldom wanted to hold or be held, and thats something I need. With Danny, above all else...hand-holding, sex, kissing....holding and being held is a must. We weren't an annoyance to each other by cuddling up tight. It was just the way it hadda be. And even the things that were soooo nerve-wracking about him...the TALKING through TV and movies, the analyzing of people, places, things, events...I could go on forever... its just difficult. I even miss all that.

But looking back, even a week ago...that unrelenting sobbing I was doing...how dumb. I should be proud. I gave ALL I have and did ALL I could. (thank you to several friends on FB and my support group who point that out)...but I also have an obligation to myself and my kids, to keep their lives as normal as can be....and there are those who remind me so very very gently that I need to remember my worth, purpose, power, and to just be myself...(thankyou James and Glenroy)......so anyway, Danny and I mutually knew that things must play out this way...and so they are.
So what about not leaving happiness by the wayside? There was much happiness over Christmas and New Years. I shopped happily with my older son, I treated myself to a Kindle (I NEVER treat myself to anything), I went a bit overboard but thats ok, for Christmas...last year was sad and hard...this year I wanted Nick to have a great one, so I went over my budget a bit...oh well...life goes on. We had a wonderful Christmas morning, and I appreciated having myself, 2 sons and his girlfriend all together just us....and later it was exciting to go and bring Danny for Christmas evening and watch him open his 5lb Hershey bar....lololol.....there's been an obsession with Hershey bars past few months...but I think we are over that. But anyway...it was great to have him home. Nick played with his new stuff and Danny too, and Christmas night we got to go to sleep cuddled up....my heaven :-)
New Years Nick went with his dad to my daughter's house and I spent New Years with Danny at his sister's, plus the 2 nights previous he was here with me again. Things seem better this way, although it is a confusing thing for Danny ...like what's going on now with getting his own place with his mom and all. We really need to guide him and help him. I didn't want things to be this abrupt and sudden, but it kinda just fell into place that way, and its been at least 2 months in coming.
So my only real thing at the moment, is that the longer Danny's away from me, the more he seems to be begging to come home...with promises of good behavior etc....well he has a severe traumatic brain injury, and he is not capable of controlling all his behaviors. So i'm torn....I love having him home, but I dont want to sabotage the whole "independance" thing we are working on either.....
One Day at a Time...every day :-)

A New Year

2012...a few weeks before Christmas I remember thinking that this coming year had to be a better year than 2011 was. It was very odd, thinking back, how Danny and I seemed to be mutually moving toward a change. We had begun spending nights pretty often...discussing, contemplating, wondering, crying, holding each other and trying to figure out the meaning of our relationship and what it meant for both of us together, as well as alone. These talks weren't easy, but we struggled through them attempting to make sense of it all. Danny was aware that the past year had been, and still was putting an enormous strain on me, and he kept saying that he felt he was "getting in the way" of my life and family, and that he wasn't doing right by me in having me continue dealing with his inappropriate behaviors and other challenging problems. In some of our worst moments as of late, I had told him I "was done"...that I couldn't deal with him any more. He was becomming possesive, controlling and accusitory. His lack of memory, disorientation to reality and confabulations about all things so much of the time, were putting up a huge red flag. I'd dealt with all these things, and much worse, during my marriage, and where it took me many years back then to realize and face truth, this time Danny forced me to face it quickly. When he'd say we should live apart, maybe even move on, I would cry and become so distraught. My love for Danny is so strong, and that romantic inside me wanted to believe that everything would be alright eventually...if I just hang on a little bit longer...just a bit more...and maybe it WILL get much better eventually, but what about the meantime?

What has taken place since December 17 when I took Danny to live with his sister, has been so very hard, and the courage it's required for both of us has been unimaginable. We have been through so much together over the past almost 3 years, and in the past year it's been just a complete stormy sea of trauma, fear and sadness, along with beautiful successes and accomplishments. I have only slept in our bed 2 nights since Danny has been gone, except for the several nights I've brought him to stay over. I am awake late into the night, thinking, sometimes crying...but the crying is getting better than it was at first. I try to feel proud of the decision we made...feel happiness that I was able to make that decision and remember why it had to be made. But its so hard. I feel an emptiness I can't explain. I would say it's even an anger. All this...for THIS??? To have to feel as though i've given up? Am I just put into people's lives to help them through difficult things? Am I only shown love so that life can simply cruelly snatch it away?

I am at odds with all this. I have been Danny's caretaker for over a year, and I must say that I know I've done well. Now he is with his sister and mom, and don't misunderstand, I know they love him dearly, but I am not comfortable that all Danny's needs will be followed up with. They simply don't have the means for much of it. But I am grateful that they are stepping up to the plate with and for me, and for Danny. They are getting a place to live for him and his mom will stay with him and help him. Together we will all help him manage his money and bills, and all the things in life he has trouble with that you and I just take for granted...and I hope it all works out. For certain, reality for him will be a cold, hard slap in the face...perhaps one he actually needs. I need to have faith that this turn of events has a reason that will be revealed later.

Until then, day by day, I will continue to stand by him in any way I can. But I will also strive to keep in mind that I am strong, life has twists and turns we sometimes don't understand until later, and that my job as a mom is priority, with all else falling into place after that fact.

Monday Dec. 16

Spent some precious time w/ Danny @ his mom n sister's, talking n holding eachother. 


Funny how Danny has always been my knight in shining armor since he came into my life...he always instinctively knew what the right thing was 4 me 2 do when it came to me n my family n things like that,n he helped me in so many ways with things, habits, and opening up abt traumas in my life that I'd held secret. No one will ever ever mean more to me becuz of those things. 


Even w/bipolar and now severe brain injury, and all the awful behaviors and attitudes they carry w/them, he says we both know, that he can no longer come before my children and he knows its wrong and can't do that anymore. 


So anyway, I plan to continue to help him getting places and in any other way I can, and we arent cutting ties...neither of us wants or is ready for that...and to be honest, neither of us is sure where exactly we really stand right now or what this is...and how important IS it anyway? Whats important is both of us having the courage to do the right thing even tho its so very painful. Not everyone can say or do that...


,,,,so I guess its just one day at a time.

so this is it

Brain injury has stolen the person I love and changed his life and mine.

 We are no longer living together...we may not even be together at all. 

I was holding myself in one piece somehow until tonight when we talked on the phone. Now i'm just crying and crying. 

It hurts so bad. Nothing in my life has ever hurt like this. 

I had to draw a line between what is more important, and that has to be my family. I dont want to lose Danny, but we cant live together either in the current state of things. 

He is no longer here, and my heart is aching...but I have to put it all in a Higher Power's hands.

A year ago I was sleeping alone and crying because he lie in the hospital close to dying. Now 5 days before Christmas, I am without him again...and crying. I remember thinking the night of his accident when he was so critical, "If I had only known you were leaving I would have held you a little longer...a little tighter last night." Now i'm thinking the same thing. I would have kept my head on his chest all night and listened to his heartbeat. Instead, we were quarreling about some silly shit.

We both know that rationally thinking, it needs to be this way...but our hearts say a whole different thing. 

I know I will get to see him, and probably even be taking him where he needs to go, but everything will be different now. And all I can think about right now is our happiness and funny times...our hours cuddled together making silly jokes and laughing...how safe I felt in his arms. How we understood each other without even speaking. And even how we argued with the same amount of passion as there was in our love.

Life and its twists and turns is unfair, and yes, I am angry about it. I am angry at brain injury and how it has fucked up so much worse something that was already so hard to try to overcome...but we WERE.

I don't know what to do with these feelings...the love, the anger, the sadness and the fear. I am just trying to hang on. I couldn't sleep last night, and tonight I've been to bed twice, and then the sobbing hits me. So I am awake...

I didn't think it would turn out this way...