2012...a few weeks before Christmas I remember thinking that this coming year had to be a better year than 2011 was. It was very odd, thinking back, how Danny and I seemed to be mutually moving toward a change. We had begun spending nights pretty often...discussing, contemplating, wondering, crying, holding each other and trying to figure out the meaning of our relationship and what it meant for both of us together, as well as alone. These talks weren't easy, but we struggled through them attempting to make sense of it all. Danny was aware that the past year had been, and still was putting an enormous strain on me, and he kept saying that he felt he was "getting in the way" of my life and family, and that he wasn't doing right by me in having me continue dealing with his inappropriate behaviors and other challenging problems. In some of our worst moments as of late, I had told him I "was done"...that I couldn't deal with him any more. He was becomming possesive, controlling and accusitory. His lack of memory, disorientation to reality and confabulations about all things so much of the time, were putting up a huge red flag. I'd dealt with all these things, and much worse, during my marriage, and where it took me many years back then to realize and face truth, this time Danny forced me to face it quickly. When he'd say we should live apart, maybe even move on, I would cry and become so distraught. My love for Danny is so strong, and that romantic inside me wanted to believe that everything would be alright eventually...if I just hang on a little bit longer...just a bit more...and maybe it WILL get much better eventually, but what about the meantime?
What has taken place since December 17 when I took Danny to live with his sister, has been so very hard, and the courage it's required for both of us has been unimaginable. We have been through so much together over the past almost 3 years, and in the past year it's been just a complete stormy sea of trauma, fear and sadness, along with beautiful successes and accomplishments. I have only slept in our bed 2 nights since Danny has been gone, except for the several nights I've brought him to stay over. I am awake late into the night, thinking, sometimes crying...but the crying is getting better than it was at first. I try to feel proud of the decision we made...feel happiness that I was able to make that decision and remember why it had to be made. But its so hard. I feel an emptiness I can't explain. I would say it's even an anger. All this...for THIS??? To have to feel as though i've given up? Am I just put into people's lives to help them through difficult things? Am I only shown love so that life can simply cruelly snatch it away?
I am at odds with all this. I have been Danny's caretaker for over a year, and I must say that I know I've done well. Now he is with his sister and mom, and don't misunderstand, I know they love him dearly, but I am not comfortable that all Danny's needs will be followed up with. They simply don't have the means for much of it. But I am grateful that they are stepping up to the plate with and for me, and for Danny. They are getting a place to live for him and his mom will stay with him and help him. Together we will all help him manage his money and bills, and all the things in life he has trouble with that you and I just take for granted...and I hope it all works out. For certain, reality for him will be a cold, hard slap in the face...perhaps one he actually needs. I need to have faith that this turn of events has a reason that will be revealed later.
Until then, day by day, I will continue to stand by him in any way I can. But I will also strive to keep in mind that I am strong, life has twists and turns we sometimes don't understand until later, and that my job as a mom is priority, with all else falling into place after that fact.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday Dec. 16
Spent some precious time w/ Danny @ his mom n sister's, talking n holding eachother.
Funny how Danny has always been my knight in shining armor since he came into my life...he always instinctively knew what the right thing was 4 me 2 do when it came to me n my family n things like that,n he helped me in so many ways with things, habits, and opening up abt traumas in my life that I'd held secret. No one will ever ever mean more to me becuz of those things.
Even w/bipolar and now severe brain injury, and all the awful behaviors and attitudes they carry w/them, he says we both know, that he can no longer come before my children and he knows its wrong and can't do that anymore.
So anyway, I plan to continue to help him getting places and in any other way I can, and we arent cutting ties...neither of us wants or is ready for that...and to be honest, neither of us is sure where exactly we really stand right now or what this is...and how important IS it anyway? Whats important is both of us having the courage to do the right thing even tho its so very painful. Not everyone can say or do that...
,,,,so I guess its just one day at a time.
Funny how Danny has always been my knight in shining armor since he came into my life...he always instinctively knew what the right thing was 4 me 2 do when it came to me n my family n things like that,n he helped me in so many ways with things, habits, and opening up abt traumas in my life that I'd held secret. No one will ever ever mean more to me becuz of those things.
Even w/bipolar and now severe brain injury, and all the awful behaviors and attitudes they carry w/them, he says we both know, that he can no longer come before my children and he knows its wrong and can't do that anymore.
So anyway, I plan to continue to help him getting places and in any other way I can, and we arent cutting ties...neither of us wants or is ready for that...and to be honest, neither of us is sure where exactly we really stand right now or what this is...and how important IS it anyway? Whats important is both of us having the courage to do the right thing even tho its so very painful. Not everyone can say or do that...
,,,,so I guess its just one day at a time.
Monday, December 19, 2011
so this is it
Brain injury has stolen the person I love and changed his life and mine.
We are no longer living together...we may not even be together at all.
I was holding myself in one piece somehow until tonight when we talked on the phone. Now i'm just crying and crying.
It hurts so bad. Nothing in my life has ever hurt like this.
I had to draw a line between what is more important, and that has to be my family. I dont want to lose Danny, but we cant live together either in the current state of things.
He is no longer here, and my heart is aching...but I have to put it all in a Higher Power's hands.
A year ago I was sleeping alone and crying because he lie in the hospital close to dying. Now 5 days before Christmas, I am without him again...and crying. I remember thinking the night of his accident when he was so critical, "If I had only known you were leaving I would have held you a little longer...a little tighter last night." Now i'm thinking the same thing. I would have kept my head on his chest all night and listened to his heartbeat. Instead, we were quarreling about some silly shit.
We both know that rationally thinking, it needs to be this way...but our hearts say a whole different thing.
I know I will get to see him, and probably even be taking him where he needs to go, but everything will be different now. And all I can think about right now is our happiness and funny times...our hours cuddled together making silly jokes and laughing...how safe I felt in his arms. How we understood each other without even speaking. And even how we argued with the same amount of passion as there was in our love.
Life and its twists and turns is unfair, and yes, I am angry about it. I am angry at brain injury and how it has fucked up so much worse something that was already so hard to try to overcome...but we WERE.
I don't know what to do with these feelings...the love, the anger, the sadness and the fear. I am just trying to hang on. I couldn't sleep last night, and tonight I've been to bed twice, and then the sobbing hits me. So I am awake...
I didn't think it would turn out this way...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A YEAR AGO...
Sunday Dec. 4th was one year since Danny's accident. A year ago I was at his bedside night and day, fearing the worst and hoping for the best. I was given the gift of a life experience during which I was able to witness the miracle of near death and the journey back from it. Yes, it was a gift. My love and prayers were undying. I learned about faith, and realized for the first time in my life what love really entails. As things improved and we traveled the rocky road of early recovery, I felt in my heart more and more, that everything would be ok in the end.
My faith is waning at times... my patience, and on some days here and there even my love.
Traumatic brain injury changes brain chemistry...some of it anyway. In the past months we have switched from making slow progress, and have slipped onto a downward spiral. Danny's mixed bag of predisposing issues further complicated by brain injury, has become a nightmare that no one seems to be able to rescue us from.
His lack of motivation has been a detriment. The medications which helped him so much over a year ago no longer work. Its become a routine of trudging from doctor to doctor hoping for some light to be shed. The attitudes caused by his personality disorders, and the attitudes caused by brain injury, are blended together and nearly inseperable. He needs psychiatric guidance, perhaps before additional brain injury treatment has any hope of being successful...but by the same token, its likely that without brain injury rehabilitation, he won't have the ability to absorb any of the psychiatric help offered.
I don't know what is going on alot of the time. It has all become so complicated. So often I don't even recognize this person that brain injury has made Danny become, and I really feel sometimes that he no longer recognizes me as well. He knows that our near two years before the accident happened, but it is sketchy and sometimes only recalled by me giving reminders and clues...then it seems to come back as a memory. But I feel as though he is "on the outside looking in" alot of the time and can not really feel, or remember how we felt. Sometimes I feel I've become a stranger to him, or a "new" person and that what we had is gone. He continues living in the past and pining for an ex in Germany who has gone on with her life and writes asking me to please have Danny stop emailing and calling. Its painful for me feeling as though she is who he remembers most. And where our age difference made no difference to him before, he is looking at it at absurd now. He says it doesn't matter much to him, but he worries about what others think.
In the past weeks we have been discussing perhaps moving on. He feels he is wasting my time and my family's, and that I should be looking for someone my age who is good enough for me, unlike he is. And he in turn could eventually move on and maybe start a family of his own. With his aggressive and anxious behavior increasing in the past month, I actually have agreed with him on the fact that we should just call it quits. But then we talk further and end up in tears...both he and I, and don't know how we would actually go through with a break-up, even if it WAS for the best. Danny has always been a jagged pill to swallow, but I am so in love with the golden parts of our relationship...the closeness, the conversation, the crazy silly fun we have. We've always understood each other and make each other laugh. Yes, he also drives me insane...but I love his heart and soul. I feel deep down we belong together.
However...things are not going well for him. He is at a stuck point. One of his doctors and I convinced him to hospitalize himself last week to see if his medication could be adjusted, which they did. He has been much better since, but continues toying with the idea of letting each other go...maybe getting an apartment with his mom. I would continue getting him to his doctors and all I suppose since his family has no means of doing it. I just don't know what's next. His neuropsychologist is still pulling for the brain injury rehab to accept him. He really needs it. His delusioned thinking tells him he can just pick himself up, dust himself off and walk into the sunset.
An added complication is that he was approved for disability, and with a small wad of back-owed money he wants to buy a car, even though he does not have a license and won't be able to get one for some time. His checks come in my name and I am faced with monitoring his spending. How in the world can I do that? I may have to have someone else appointed to do that.
He is the victim of a double-edged sword...
Traumatic brain injury is a monster who can't be figured out, and I fear never conquered. All I can do now is continue to pray for guidance.
My faith is waning at times... my patience, and on some days here and there even my love.
Traumatic brain injury changes brain chemistry...some of it anyway. In the past months we have switched from making slow progress, and have slipped onto a downward spiral. Danny's mixed bag of predisposing issues further complicated by brain injury, has become a nightmare that no one seems to be able to rescue us from.
His lack of motivation has been a detriment. The medications which helped him so much over a year ago no longer work. Its become a routine of trudging from doctor to doctor hoping for some light to be shed. The attitudes caused by his personality disorders, and the attitudes caused by brain injury, are blended together and nearly inseperable. He needs psychiatric guidance, perhaps before additional brain injury treatment has any hope of being successful...but by the same token, its likely that without brain injury rehabilitation, he won't have the ability to absorb any of the psychiatric help offered.
I don't know what is going on alot of the time. It has all become so complicated. So often I don't even recognize this person that brain injury has made Danny become, and I really feel sometimes that he no longer recognizes me as well. He knows that our near two years before the accident happened, but it is sketchy and sometimes only recalled by me giving reminders and clues...then it seems to come back as a memory. But I feel as though he is "on the outside looking in" alot of the time and can not really feel, or remember how we felt. Sometimes I feel I've become a stranger to him, or a "new" person and that what we had is gone. He continues living in the past and pining for an ex in Germany who has gone on with her life and writes asking me to please have Danny stop emailing and calling. Its painful for me feeling as though she is who he remembers most. And where our age difference made no difference to him before, he is looking at it at absurd now. He says it doesn't matter much to him, but he worries about what others think.
In the past weeks we have been discussing perhaps moving on. He feels he is wasting my time and my family's, and that I should be looking for someone my age who is good enough for me, unlike he is. And he in turn could eventually move on and maybe start a family of his own. With his aggressive and anxious behavior increasing in the past month, I actually have agreed with him on the fact that we should just call it quits. But then we talk further and end up in tears...both he and I, and don't know how we would actually go through with a break-up, even if it WAS for the best. Danny has always been a jagged pill to swallow, but I am so in love with the golden parts of our relationship...the closeness, the conversation, the crazy silly fun we have. We've always understood each other and make each other laugh. Yes, he also drives me insane...but I love his heart and soul. I feel deep down we belong together.
However...things are not going well for him. He is at a stuck point. One of his doctors and I convinced him to hospitalize himself last week to see if his medication could be adjusted, which they did. He has been much better since, but continues toying with the idea of letting each other go...maybe getting an apartment with his mom. I would continue getting him to his doctors and all I suppose since his family has no means of doing it. I just don't know what's next. His neuropsychologist is still pulling for the brain injury rehab to accept him. He really needs it. His delusioned thinking tells him he can just pick himself up, dust himself off and walk into the sunset.
An added complication is that he was approved for disability, and with a small wad of back-owed money he wants to buy a car, even though he does not have a license and won't be able to get one for some time. His checks come in my name and I am faced with monitoring his spending. How in the world can I do that? I may have to have someone else appointed to do that.
He is the victim of a double-edged sword...
Traumatic brain injury is a monster who can't be figured out, and I fear never conquered. All I can do now is continue to pray for guidance.
Friday, November 25, 2011
THANKSGIVING...
I had Thanksgiving dinner at my house. My mom had invited me "and the kids" as she doesn't approve of either Danny or my daughter's boyfriend. The relationship with my mom has been in turmoil since I was a preteen, and her narcissistic behavior has torn me to shreds for years. Its a long story that does not belong here, but anyway, I told her I was having my own dinner in my home for all the members of my family and friends and that she was welcome. I received an onslaught of nasty letters...well...I have grown kids and traditions to start and keep, and there's no time left in my life for senseless head games.
Danny has the mistaken belief that he has spent Thanksgiving with his aunt and uncle every single year for years. In truth that is false, but the week before Thanksgiving he got into a big discussion with his neuropsychologist about it, and about having me drop him at their house for dinner...unannounced I might add...because he is "expected" to be there. The Dr tried talking to him about "appropriateness", which Danny has a huge problem with. Dr. D. explained that you wait to be invited somewhere, and you never assume people are going to do things only because you expect them to. We finally hammered out a plan of action where we agreed Danny would call and ASK first, and that if ok, I could run him a half hour away to their house in the morning, but would be unable to pick him back up before our own dinner. He also needed to call early enough in the week. Well, he mentioned it alot during the week, but ultimately waited until 9:30pm Thanksgiving eve to call and ask. His aunt was caught off guard, and said their dinner was at 1pm and since mine was at 3pm maybe it wouldn't be the best idea. Thats what Danny told me was said anyway.
My dinner went nice. Its always a bitter-sweet thing when family relationships and situations are out of balance, but it is what it is. I tried to present a beautiful dinner table for my family and my friend Barb and her son and grandson, who also came. I am always amazed afterwards about how much time and effort we put into these holiday event out of love for our families. Two full days and nights of cooking and preparing and another 6hrs of dishes and clean-up, for a dinner and visitors that lasted around two hours. Same thing at Christmas. But at least this year I tried to be relaxed as possible and enjoy my company. Never mind that Danny's inappropriateness caused him to attempt to have dinner in a dingy white T-shirt with a hole in it and sweat pants he had on for 3 days...I made him go change...and he sat through dinner with a big wad of slightly blood-tinged tissue paper stuffed into and hanging out of his right nostril. Oh well...
The day before Thanksgiving a package arrived for me. It was from one of my friends in the brain injury support group...an older woman from Oklahoma whose husband got his brain injury almost 4 mo. after Danny got his. She is a wonderful sweet woman, who like most of the girls in our group have gone and still are going through all sorts of assorted behavior, cognitive and physical problems with their brain injured loved ones. Her husband was strikingly similar to Danny in some of it, and her and I are very alike as people too I believe. Well, thinking the package contained a book to read since she sent one a few months earlier, I opened it to find a cute little hand crafted note card. It read...
"Just for you Blue-so you will
remember that you are loved and cared
for. This has been broken and mended
as all of us sisters have been...but I
wanted you to have it as I have no
truer sister...love you, Sybil"
My eyes welled up as I lifted a beautiful statuette out of the box. I felt an odd awareness that this was one of those moments that will stand out in my heart more so than most. The figurine was two angels facing eachother, and was inscribed...
"Some sisterhoods don't happen at birth...but grow in the hearts of people who completely understand each other."
How remarkably beautiful and appropriate...in the support group we call ourselves a sisterhood, and we understand this journey we are on, and each other, as no one else possibly can. Over the past many months some of us have grown closer than others, and have found so many more similarities between us...in our lives, experiences, hardships, traumas....
One wing lay in the box...obviously had been glued but came off again during shipping. We ARE angels with broken wings...but with love and patience and support, can mend ourselves and each other.
It was ironic that the wing was off. It seemed almost as though there were some message coming from somewhere that was meant to be heard. There was definately a lesson therein.
My first thought was "super glue"...the easy, quick and fail-safe solution. My son ran for some at the store for me. Well, the surfaces wouldnt even slightly bond...it was as if I had put a drop of water there and expected it to work like glue. Ok, so the quick easy fix doesnt work. It doesnt work when we try it in real life either. Life requires work in order to progress, to change. So out came the slow-drying Elmers School Glue. Long story short, I glued and waited, over and over again. It seemed to get tacky and stick, and then with the slightest movement as I tried to set the figurine down, off came the wing again. As it ended up, I actually sat and held the wing in place for a full hour until it was dry enough to set down, and then I pain-stakingly balanced it on the counter top and left it alone even longer. Hours later, I applied another layer of glue. It is fixed, but not without much patience and care, some level of intense frustration, and a great deal of perseverance. All the while, I was aware of the lesson being taught about life.
My wonderful friend made my Thanksgiving holiday. I cant even reMEMBER when I've received an unexpected gift, and one so meaningful and very precious. Thankyou Sybil for all you've taught...
Danny has the mistaken belief that he has spent Thanksgiving with his aunt and uncle every single year for years. In truth that is false, but the week before Thanksgiving he got into a big discussion with his neuropsychologist about it, and about having me drop him at their house for dinner...unannounced I might add...because he is "expected" to be there. The Dr tried talking to him about "appropriateness", which Danny has a huge problem with. Dr. D. explained that you wait to be invited somewhere, and you never assume people are going to do things only because you expect them to. We finally hammered out a plan of action where we agreed Danny would call and ASK first, and that if ok, I could run him a half hour away to their house in the morning, but would be unable to pick him back up before our own dinner. He also needed to call early enough in the week. Well, he mentioned it alot during the week, but ultimately waited until 9:30pm Thanksgiving eve to call and ask. His aunt was caught off guard, and said their dinner was at 1pm and since mine was at 3pm maybe it wouldn't be the best idea. Thats what Danny told me was said anyway.
My dinner went nice. Its always a bitter-sweet thing when family relationships and situations are out of balance, but it is what it is. I tried to present a beautiful dinner table for my family and my friend Barb and her son and grandson, who also came. I am always amazed afterwards about how much time and effort we put into these holiday event out of love for our families. Two full days and nights of cooking and preparing and another 6hrs of dishes and clean-up, for a dinner and visitors that lasted around two hours. Same thing at Christmas. But at least this year I tried to be relaxed as possible and enjoy my company. Never mind that Danny's inappropriateness caused him to attempt to have dinner in a dingy white T-shirt with a hole in it and sweat pants he had on for 3 days...I made him go change...and he sat through dinner with a big wad of slightly blood-tinged tissue paper stuffed into and hanging out of his right nostril. Oh well...
The day before Thanksgiving a package arrived for me. It was from one of my friends in the brain injury support group...an older woman from Oklahoma whose husband got his brain injury almost 4 mo. after Danny got his. She is a wonderful sweet woman, who like most of the girls in our group have gone and still are going through all sorts of assorted behavior, cognitive and physical problems with their brain injured loved ones. Her husband was strikingly similar to Danny in some of it, and her and I are very alike as people too I believe. Well, thinking the package contained a book to read since she sent one a few months earlier, I opened it to find a cute little hand crafted note card. It read...
"Just for you Blue-so you will
remember that you are loved and cared
for. This has been broken and mended
as all of us sisters have been...but I
wanted you to have it as I have no
truer sister...love you, Sybil"
My eyes welled up as I lifted a beautiful statuette out of the box. I felt an odd awareness that this was one of those moments that will stand out in my heart more so than most. The figurine was two angels facing eachother, and was inscribed...
"Some sisterhoods don't happen at birth...but grow in the hearts of people who completely understand each other."
How remarkably beautiful and appropriate...in the support group we call ourselves a sisterhood, and we understand this journey we are on, and each other, as no one else possibly can. Over the past many months some of us have grown closer than others, and have found so many more similarities between us...in our lives, experiences, hardships, traumas....
One wing lay in the box...obviously had been glued but came off again during shipping. We ARE angels with broken wings...but with love and patience and support, can mend ourselves and each other.
It was ironic that the wing was off. It seemed almost as though there were some message coming from somewhere that was meant to be heard. There was definately a lesson therein.
My first thought was "super glue"...the easy, quick and fail-safe solution. My son ran for some at the store for me. Well, the surfaces wouldnt even slightly bond...it was as if I had put a drop of water there and expected it to work like glue. Ok, so the quick easy fix doesnt work. It doesnt work when we try it in real life either. Life requires work in order to progress, to change. So out came the slow-drying Elmers School Glue. Long story short, I glued and waited, over and over again. It seemed to get tacky and stick, and then with the slightest movement as I tried to set the figurine down, off came the wing again. As it ended up, I actually sat and held the wing in place for a full hour until it was dry enough to set down, and then I pain-stakingly balanced it on the counter top and left it alone even longer. Hours later, I applied another layer of glue. It is fixed, but not without much patience and care, some level of intense frustration, and a great deal of perseverance. All the while, I was aware of the lesson being taught about life.
My wonderful friend made my Thanksgiving holiday. I cant even reMEMBER when I've received an unexpected gift, and one so meaningful and very precious. Thankyou Sybil for all you've taught...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Devastated :-(
TUES. NOV.15 7:00 am
Yesterday at quarter to 5pm I got the call from ReMed. I was napping so it was a voicemail.
Danny was not accepted into the inpatient brain injury program.
I dont know why, and wont until I speak with them later this morning.
All I know is that I am absolutely DEVASTATED! I had all my hopes pinned on this, all my eggs in one basket. I had so much confidence that this would be something in Danny's life to finally help him...that just MAYBE there was somehow a plan by God for having him acquire a brain injury. His doctors and I have spent the past almost 2 mo. convincing him with all our might that this is needed and can help him. He finally WANTS to go.
Idk if its cuz he talked abt wanting to "hurt" or beat up ppl (but I would think they should be somewhat accustomed to brain injured ppl talking irrationally) or if maybe they feel his psychiatric problems are too big. Maybe they think he needs psychiatric treatment before brain injury rehab will work for him. They are the experts...they know, not me.
The message also said that they only received the requested medical records from 1 of the 3 places they asked for them from. None from the acute trauma center and none from the outpatient rehab. That really pisses me off. It irks me that as a nurse I always prioritize and do the quickest most efficient work I can knowing ppl's lives are being affected....but what the hell gives? I'm putting in a call to both later as well as Dr. D the neuropsychologist. GOD, there's GOTTA be something someone can do.
I didnt sleep at all last night...cried a bit, just kept wracking my brain, wrestling my fears, contemplating my next move. Wondering if its something I did or said to ruin it. Maybe they don't like their facility mentioned in my blog....I dont know :-(
Danny finally WANTS to go, and I gave him the news and he still keeps saying "WHEN I go this" and "WHEN I go that". Its thrown him for a tad of a mental loop I think. He was going on abt that they HAVE to take him cuz he has a brain injury and thats what they are there for...to help him. He said he WANTS them to help him. I explained that "no" they dont have to take him. They use much criteria to make the decision and apparently something just isnt what they want. But he doesnt understand reason...his injury puts his mind on a single-lane one-way track. At one point last night in aggravation I even raised my voice and blamed his dumb talk during the interview for ruining his chance of acceptance. I know he's blameless in reality...he cant help the way he comes across...
I am really scared, cuz we cant go on this way. I dont know what to do or who to call. I want to "FIX" this...the exact words Danny said to me this AM..."Kathy you've got to "fix" this, and make it so I can go on living and get help" It made me cry.
I will know more later and they will give me their recommendations I guess. And then I'll finish this blog...
I feel so down....
5PM
so I talked to Annawyn. My suspicions were mostly...well almost exactly correct. Because of Danny's "fighting" attitude, they consider him to be a possible danger to the other brain injury patients. This hurts me cuz I know he is no danger. Danny "mouths off" around those he is close to, but put in a position of therapy and help, I am absolutely certain he is no danger to anyone else. I know him better than anyone else on this earth. He does not want to be this way. He cries. It is not fake. It is not false.
Also, because the outpatient dept didnt send the records to ReMed, they just didnt have a clear idea of what is going on exactly. ReMed told me that as of right now, the answer is "no", but that doesnt mean the door is CLOSED. I talked to Dr. D. this evening and he plans to make sure the records get there STAT, and also to speak with the team at ReMed and give his view. Dr. D. knows how this could help Danny, and that it is definately worth a shot. I mean, if Danny would cause a problem, they could call me and I would be there in a heartbeat to get him. His life is going to be Shit without intervention at this point. I am just praying and hoping and wishing and relying on some higher power to help him seek, have, and make use of this gift. ReMed is a wonderful facility. I respect them immensely. I know if Danny were given the chance, it is worth a shot. This is a human life in the balance....
Yesterday at quarter to 5pm I got the call from ReMed. I was napping so it was a voicemail.
Danny was not accepted into the inpatient brain injury program.
I dont know why, and wont until I speak with them later this morning.
All I know is that I am absolutely DEVASTATED! I had all my hopes pinned on this, all my eggs in one basket. I had so much confidence that this would be something in Danny's life to finally help him...that just MAYBE there was somehow a plan by God for having him acquire a brain injury. His doctors and I have spent the past almost 2 mo. convincing him with all our might that this is needed and can help him. He finally WANTS to go.
Idk if its cuz he talked abt wanting to "hurt" or beat up ppl (but I would think they should be somewhat accustomed to brain injured ppl talking irrationally) or if maybe they feel his psychiatric problems are too big. Maybe they think he needs psychiatric treatment before brain injury rehab will work for him. They are the experts...they know, not me.
The message also said that they only received the requested medical records from 1 of the 3 places they asked for them from. None from the acute trauma center and none from the outpatient rehab. That really pisses me off. It irks me that as a nurse I always prioritize and do the quickest most efficient work I can knowing ppl's lives are being affected....but what the hell gives? I'm putting in a call to both later as well as Dr. D the neuropsychologist. GOD, there's GOTTA be something someone can do.
I didnt sleep at all last night...cried a bit, just kept wracking my brain, wrestling my fears, contemplating my next move. Wondering if its something I did or said to ruin it. Maybe they don't like their facility mentioned in my blog....I dont know :-(
Danny finally WANTS to go, and I gave him the news and he still keeps saying "WHEN I go this" and "WHEN I go that". Its thrown him for a tad of a mental loop I think. He was going on abt that they HAVE to take him cuz he has a brain injury and thats what they are there for...to help him. He said he WANTS them to help him. I explained that "no" they dont have to take him. They use much criteria to make the decision and apparently something just isnt what they want. But he doesnt understand reason...his injury puts his mind on a single-lane one-way track. At one point last night in aggravation I even raised my voice and blamed his dumb talk during the interview for ruining his chance of acceptance. I know he's blameless in reality...he cant help the way he comes across...
I am really scared, cuz we cant go on this way. I dont know what to do or who to call. I want to "FIX" this...the exact words Danny said to me this AM..."Kathy you've got to "fix" this, and make it so I can go on living and get help" It made me cry.
I will know more later and they will give me their recommendations I guess. And then I'll finish this blog...
I feel so down....
5PM
so I talked to Annawyn. My suspicions were mostly...well almost exactly correct. Because of Danny's "fighting" attitude, they consider him to be a possible danger to the other brain injury patients. This hurts me cuz I know he is no danger. Danny "mouths off" around those he is close to, but put in a position of therapy and help, I am absolutely certain he is no danger to anyone else. I know him better than anyone else on this earth. He does not want to be this way. He cries. It is not fake. It is not false.
Also, because the outpatient dept didnt send the records to ReMed, they just didnt have a clear idea of what is going on exactly. ReMed told me that as of right now, the answer is "no", but that doesnt mean the door is CLOSED. I talked to Dr. D. this evening and he plans to make sure the records get there STAT, and also to speak with the team at ReMed and give his view. Dr. D. knows how this could help Danny, and that it is definately worth a shot. I mean, if Danny would cause a problem, they could call me and I would be there in a heartbeat to get him. His life is going to be Shit without intervention at this point. I am just praying and hoping and wishing and relying on some higher power to help him seek, have, and make use of this gift. ReMed is a wonderful facility. I respect them immensely. I know if Danny were given the chance, it is worth a shot. This is a human life in the balance....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sadness...
Of course it's PMS time for me, and I AM overly emotional....but today n tonight I feel a deep sense of sadness....for Danny. He just seems so lost n confused. We saw CeCe today, the wonderful nurse at the psychiatrist's office, so that she can call in refills on his meds. She is a sweet older woman...perhaps 65 or so...charming, loving and patient. She's had many encounters with Danny in the past months, watching him progress from a somewhat zombie-like person, slowly through his stages of awakening and changing. She, like me, appreciates his good heart, his charm, humor, and can make light of his quirky behavior. But things have worsened, and today, after a long conversation with me abt 2 weeks ago, she saw and understood what the real essence of what is going on here is like. She pulled no punches...tried reasoning with him. Long story short, she believes, as do I sometimes, that he really has no control at all over his feelings and actions. I know he is so tired of not remembering day to day things, of not remembering where he was, what dr he saw or why, being told he cant do this and cant do that. He has been suffering great anxiety and stress, and takes it out on those around him. I have said before that i'm at my breaking point....yet I LOVE him. I GOT a glimpse before the accident, of who and what he could be....and I know all this wild talk and threatening babble, and so on and so forth, CANT be who he really is. I am on eggshells each day, not knowing what reactions or actions or emotional outbursts to expect. I want a future with him, yet deep down I feel so convinced that maybe he is too far gone....that he is really not who I thought or want him to be.
He wants relief. He begged CeCe to make it that he could have some sort of sedative...that he's afraid he will hurt someone. Really and truly I dont see that happening. He talked tonight about going out to a bar for a few drinks and to shoot pool. Its a hard thing to not be able or allowed to do anything that he used to do....yet the red flags wave in my head and I'm scared. He's been asking for me to go out with him one night. I would LOVE to go shoot pool and listen to music...but i'm not just yet comfortable going into a bar or club. I dont want to drink anymore, and I dont know if I want to even be in that atmosphere...the atmosphere where we last were the night of his accident. The ppl there and the surroundings just are creepy to me now. I would love to go dancing with him. I WANT him to be able to do what he enjoyed. But I'm scared and confused.
He wanted money to go out tonight, and before it escalated into an argument, I went and got it out for him. But he is lying up on the bed. I know he really doesnt want to go, and he knows it too. He is just all over the place with everything. I am praying this rehab comes through soon. I don't think either of us can take much more.
I wish there were more I could do for him. All I can do is listen, keep my mouth closed, and hold him tight....
He wants relief. He begged CeCe to make it that he could have some sort of sedative...that he's afraid he will hurt someone. Really and truly I dont see that happening. He talked tonight about going out to a bar for a few drinks and to shoot pool. Its a hard thing to not be able or allowed to do anything that he used to do....yet the red flags wave in my head and I'm scared. He's been asking for me to go out with him one night. I would LOVE to go shoot pool and listen to music...but i'm not just yet comfortable going into a bar or club. I dont want to drink anymore, and I dont know if I want to even be in that atmosphere...the atmosphere where we last were the night of his accident. The ppl there and the surroundings just are creepy to me now. I would love to go dancing with him. I WANT him to be able to do what he enjoyed. But I'm scared and confused.
He wanted money to go out tonight, and before it escalated into an argument, I went and got it out for him. But he is lying up on the bed. I know he really doesnt want to go, and he knows it too. He is just all over the place with everything. I am praying this rehab comes through soon. I don't think either of us can take much more.
I wish there were more I could do for him. All I can do is listen, keep my mouth closed, and hold him tight....
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