My Part of Our Journey Goes on Because I Choose...

    Its been almost 2mo. since I've written here.
It hasn't been easy. Danny's bail was so high that he couldn't post it. Then there was a somewhat complicated ordeal of turning all his funds back in to Social Security and relinquishing payee status to his mom.  During his time in jail, he called endlessly...but over time the calls slowed and all but stopped. 
    I have tried moving on...unsuccessfully. I even accepted a dinner invitation or two from an older gentleman who liked me a lot. But it felt wrong, and when I tried to stress that all I wanted was a friendship for a long while but he seemed to be moving too quickly, I had to withdraw completely, hurting him I'm sure in the process. It only served to tell me I was not ready to move on, because I still love Danny so very much. Bombarded with either spoken or implied demands that I leave this all behind...even telling MYSELF that...it wasn't and isn't happening. And as the weeks have passed recently, and after an emotional week of soul-searching, I came to a realization...I don't HAVE to stop loving him. I'm the boss of my life and my heart, and i'm a big girl...So I'm done trying to force myself into a road leading further away fom Danny. My posts on Facebook over the past harrowing days have painted this picture clearly, and I feared for my emotional sanity very much so, until I made a decision....


MAY 14th, 2012

And the parts that hurt the most are that I truly believe there wouldve been no end for us if not for what happened to you...it isnt even mostly your fault abt messing up...and I do miss you all the time, everywhere I go, every place I see. We WERE best friends, long before anything else. You taught me so much, changed my life in so many ways, and when you knew the end was coming when things were spinning out of control, you even tried to tell me how to go on without you, and told me to make sure I take my time and have some time to myself to breath and to live. You loved me that much you told me how much you wanted me to be happy and not be burdened with you any more. Well, you WERENT a burden. Idk if i'll EVER let you go...I love you so much and all this hurts so bad. If I had just one more night to listen to your heart, that heart that almost died but lived...if I could just go back in time, maybe something could have been done differently. The odds were against us, against you, from the start. Its just another usual night where I lie down wishing you were here and crying my eyes out for you... :-( 

May 15th, 2012

At this point I feel like taking a BIIIIGGG breath and going back into battle to fight for Danny. This is the man I love. If I cant do anything, even from afar, then so be it, but my gut instincts are telling me that love is worth fighting for, and if someone you love has become compromised, and theres no one else to fight for them...how can I sit back in this pain and not wonder if it is a sign that I am supposed to DO something. This could get weird and ugly, and idk what will happen, but I KNOW now what I want to fight for..its my kids, and after that its Danny. I would only hope and pray that if i were in the shoes he is in, someone would love me enough to fight for me.. :-(

May 17th, 2012

Been a bad few days for me (and PMS plus quitting smoking doesnt help)...been a lot of emotional clutter to get through, a ton of crying, and soul-searching. Also much meditation, weighing of options, discussions with ppl who understand, and coming to terms. And a fair amount of "avoidance sleeping" also. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I realize and accept that I need to maintain my distance from Danny, at least for the immediate future...but that does NOT mean I have to stop loving him, no matter who says I must or should, or tries to push me. This is the reason I havnt been able to let go, the reason I cant move on. I cant allow feeling lonely for who I love, to force me into situations offering comfort, and then when I realize with more of a vengeance that its not what I want, drag ppl's feelings through the mud. Altho it sounds cliche, after all the time that has passed, if someone you love wont go out of your mind, they must have a reason for being there! And I am patient, and willing to wait, and if the time never comes to be together again, so be it...but I can and will have a full-filling life in the meantime, and if its meant that the love fades, it will fade...on its own...not cuz others in my life say it has to! Also, I've come to realize, that I want to continue to advocate for him in any way I can, and offer his mom my support and help. She isn't mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with it all on her own, and she doesnt have the experience and knowledge that I have in dealing with it either. So I feel that whats been missing is that I was 100% in with both feet, before the accident, and then after, with the coma, and the long recovery and all the experiences, and time spent, and love and devotion...and I held his very life in my hands....and now nothing...So this is where I stand right now. Call me crazy, but why then do I suddenly feel so AT PEACE???

Sooo...I know it's best not to have contact with Danny...for maybe a long time...but I won't deny my love anymore. And I feel in my heart that he needs me...or at least the help I can offer him out of my love and concern for him. He's not the only one this has happened to. Several of my friends in brain injury support have told me tales this week of FAR worse behavior problems during recovery. And after 3 or so years, they are much better...and very different. So, I know friends and family may think my feelings are foolish, but I don't think they are at all. All I am simply saying, is that our love was strong...mine is strong. We may NEVER hold one another again, and thats ok, but I don't have to force something to die that clearly isn't. I don't want a relationship with another man...I'm NOT putting away the pictures in my bedroom of Danny and I, and I will focus on living a full-filling life for my kids and I. Only God knows the future. Its not up to me or anyone else to map that out...

This is my part of our journey...

Crisis

    Danny went home willingly that Monday morning. It took MUCH coaxing and reminding. In order to get him to leave with his mom that day I even told him that if he always behaved as well as he had, he could visit and stay again...not right away, but again. Once he was home the endless texts and voicemails began again.

    Wednesday I received texts from Danny's sister Kim that he had "snapped out" and grabbed her and hit her. She said the cops were coming to remove him. I called her in a while, my stomach churning, and she told me the police were telling her they could not take him to a mental health facility. I asked to speak to the officer and asked why he could not be involuntarily committed, and they said because he was calm in front of them. Kim text later and said the police were taking he and his mom to the hospital to try and get him in. She said she was "done" with him and that he could no longer live there. I can't say I blamed her...I knew what a handful he was, and she has two small kids in the house.
    I felt, and still feel this was brought on because his mom took it upon herself to bring him to my house. Now he had all that in his mind, and it was working on him. I don't know, to this day, what to think about it.
    It turned out by later in the day, that the hospital would not admit him, even after he took a swing at his mom in the hospital. He called his uncle in my town to come get him, and by evening he was in my town, and walked to my house and in the front door, smiling and saying "I'm home." GREAT...
    Back in January the police told me when they came, that because his address was here, they couldn't make him leave and neither could I. I sat Danny down that Wednesday night and tried to explain over and over, that he couldn't stay here, and we had to figure something out. He had it in his mind that because I'm his power of attorney, I somehow signed his whole life over to myself and was obligated until eternity to care for him. In reality the POA was so that I could make medical decisions and sign papers, since I was the only one involved with his care. That night in bed he talked crazily again, threatening suicide and other strange comments. Thursday morning I talked at length on the phone with mental health crisis. He had a psychiatrist appointment that day at 2pm, and they told me to bring him and they would get him admitted somewhere while we were there. All the way to the appointment he questioned me about what was going to happen. I was honest and told him I didn't know. He started to threaten me...
    Once there, we talked together and apart, with the psychiatrist and the nurse. She had me do something so awful for me...to just leave him there and then crisis would take him. He went into a room to sign papers and I left and headed for home. I cried all the way. My son happened to text me that he had run out of gas, and so I went a half-hour in the other direction to take gas to my son's car. When I was almost home the nurse called me and told me that crisis didn't take him, and he called a cab and was heading to my house. When I got here, there he was, in my house, with a cab out front waiting to get paid. I was so beside myself now. I called the police station....again they told me, as before, there was nothing I could do. Oh my God, what was I going to do. His moodiness and agitation was increasing steadily as well. I was so confused. My kids were in the forefront of my mind. My older son had had it with Danny's loss of control, and had no patience or tolerance left. He was tired of seeing the drama and wanted me to make a clean sweep for my own and the whole family's good. Still though, he was calm and waited until I was ready.
    We got through Friday...Danny spent the day on my brand new computer downloading all sorts of unneeded and unecessary things and all kinds of error messages were cropping up. Saturday this continued. He also was ordering out for food over and over and asking me to buy him expensive cigarettes and cigars. It was his money, yes, but as his soc. sec. payee it was my job to see he spent money wisely. It was just an impossible situation. At one point I kept asking him to leave and go to his uncle's and he refused. He wrestled my cell out of my hands when he thought I was calling the cops. I went down to the police station Sat. afternoon and asked them to at least come talk to him. I told them something was going to go wrong....but they couldn't...or wouldn't.
    Saturday evening it came to a head. Danny was trying to take over something I was trying to straighten out on the computer. He made a fist in front of my face, and when I asked him not to, he gave me a quick jab to the eye. It didn't hurt, but it was somehow all the further I needed or wanted to go with this. I hollered for my son, he called the police,they looked at my eye, which now had a big lump under it, and they took Danny out. My heart hurt so bad. I just couldn't believe things were like this now.
    Turns out they kept him in custody about 20 minutes and dropped him at his uncle's, but it was after midnight and he couldn't get in. For 2 1/2 hrs he texted and called. He seemed to have no realization about what was happening. At 3am he was tapping on the back door, and at 3:15 he busted the door down. This time the police took him to jail. Myself, my sons and my son's girlfriend had to go to the station and write statements. This was the end....

    Since that night, 13 days as of today (Mar. 24), he has been in jail. He has no where to go, so at least he is warm, has food and a bed to sleep in. I have had to go to court twice in this 13 days, to obtain a protection order. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to go this road. As much reality about Danny as I can see, I still love him....I don't know how to make that go away.


I will most likely write one more post after this...Danny's story is not....CAN not be mine anymore. The journey we have been on will always be there, for me anyway. It's been a tragic story...one I hope other families don't have to go through. It's been a different story than most....

A Book Must Close

Bittersweet time together...I had missed him so very much. My family was shocked and annoyed to see him there. I had promised them this was over, but here we were again. Danny was pretty well-behaved, but moody, and I basically just went along with irrational comments and behavior in order to keep things smooth. A voice in my head was screaming louder and louder how wrong this was. Dangerous actually. But I was still clinging to the now destroyed idea that my love for him could make a difference...bring some great change. I knew the reality, but I wasn't ready to accept it. Lying in bed that night, I kept thinking that this was our last one...I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart all night. I never slept. In the morning, which was Sunday, his mom called to tell him he could stay one more night and Danny's uncle would take them home Monday morning. I remember wondering why I wasn't being given any choice in this. I text his sister, who told me she had told her mom that this was a real bad idea and that her mom had said she "didn't care" 

I was starting to realize other things as well...mine and Danny's relationship wasn't a normal healthy one even before his accident. Oh I loved him to death, but I barely coped with his personality flaws and dysfunctions a lot of the time. With the memory loss and no sense of time passage or sequencing, it was worse. I'd been laid off from my job for months, but he accused me of saying I went to work but went out with other guys. I couldn't go to the store without being called half a dozen times and/or questioned of my where-abouts. The wives of the brain-injured I talked to were going through the same things, and it was I suppose "easier" for me to blame all his behaviors on brain injury, but in all honesty, these were things I had dealt with all along and which were improving with medication before the crash. And at night before falling asleep...he talked crazy...at times psychotically. I knew I was entering the final chapter of a book that must close.

Early March 2012:A final Chapter Begins

    It had been over a month and a half since Danny left here for the last time...I thought it was the last time. I had seen and talked to him last over a month before. While away he had overflowed my cell with texts and voice mails every single day...apologies, promises, pleas, demands, threats and mostly just highly confused babble. You have no idea....every day for hours and hours... EVERY day!! It got so that I didn't text back or pick up his calls at all...when I did it was nonsense talk and demands to come home, arguing or confused banter about all sorts of things that were total UNreality. I turned my phone to silent much of the time, actually joked that I was "hiding" from my cell...So I read texts daily that either broke my heart and made me cry, or angered me tremendously. I listened to voice mails that made me want to throw my arms around him and just hold him til his pain went away....and many that made me very fearful of his actions.

    This brain injury stuff...its just so painful. When you think of it, the brain is where we live, its our persona, our being...who we are. It governs the smallest things from blinking when you see a gnat coming toward your eye, or making a decision when driving a car, knowing a fork goes into the food and progresses to your mouth, to detailing everything you are as a person...if you cut off someones head, there is just a body...the "person" is gone.
   
    There were always a million texts from Danny saying he was going to show up at my door. I ignored them knowing his mom and sister wouldn't let him take a cab or something to actually do it. For over a month and a half his sister and I had gone to tremendous lengths to meet away from the house so that I could take some of his money to her when he needed it...we used extreme caution. I continued scheduling his appointments but they took him to the few that were close by. I oversaw his medication changes. I tried to give my understanding and support to his family, but I knew deep down everything for us was ending. The last few times we had seen each other the time was sweet...until I had to leave. Trying to smack me, grabbing me, yelling, refusing to get out of my car so I could leave. We truly were at an impasse. But that particular Thursday and Friday he was texting and leaving voice mails saying his uncle (in my town) has cancer and he and his mom were coming up to stay the weekend and he would be arriving at my house.
I had the oddest feeling and fear that he would be here. I somehow instinctively knew it was a bad idea. We were going through a detachment process...well I was anyway. I didn't want him at the house anymore. I was not prepared to have Nick witness any more outlandish or violent behavior. I had made a decision last episode and needed to stick to it. I believed his family had the good sense to realize that first of all, I did not want him at the house, and to respect that, and more than that, how hard they were going to make it on Danny by bringing him and making him leave again. At 2pm, my front door opened and there they were...he and his mom. She was as cool as a cucumber, telling me they were staying in town the weekend and did I want her to stay WITH Danny. My first response was "What's the deal here? This is a bad idea. We will never get him to leave." She proceeded to chastise him as though he were a little boy, telling him not to "carry on" and to "be good". As she went on and on it frustrated Danny and he started stamping his feet and yelling at her to shut up. She said they were going home Sunday, and his reply was, "Doesn't mean I am."  I knew then I was going to have a real dilemma.

Transitions

     On January 17th, after having Danny visiting here for a tad over a week, we had an "incident" where he got out of hand and really frightened me, as well as Nick, and I had to take action which involved calling the police to the house. Everything was so good for all the days he stayed, but due to his impulsiveness and rapid mood changes, well...unfortunately I knew it could or would happen. I put off taking him home, I know...I wanted him to stay longer, but there were passing moments when I also wanted to take him back home. After the incident mentioned above, I was forced to decide that bringing him to the house could not be an option anymore...at least not for now.
    This has been the very hardest thing to go through so far. The first few days and week, I seriously felt I needed to completely cut ties. I was prepared to do that even though it hurt us both tremendously...but as time went on the deeper reality became apparent...for close to three years, I have been all Danny's had in his life. He had drifted away from his family and those bonds were now only beginning to rebuild because of and since his accident. He has had no friends left...but for me. Then there has been this past year since the wreck, and all we have gone through. I mean, to really sit down and digest it all...it's been a hellish, full, frustrating, and yet in so many ways, beautiful journey. I've said before, I continue to consider this journey a gift...an experience that I would never trade away.....But anyway, although there is no marriage binding us, I realize...recognize, that there is something much stronger...more vital...binding us. There is friendship first and foremost, as the foundation...we have something there that many don't have. Then we have the relationship that we built upon that friendship...as crazy and unorthodox as it seemed/seems to others (and personally, I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks about that anymore at this point.) Then the accident...when I really and truly became "in touch" with my true feelings for Danny. I discovered that he wasn't just a mid-life crisis/fling with a younger guy. I came to understand, that this was a human being I connected with...that with understanding and dealing with his "quirkiness", he also understood ME and dealt with mine as well. I felt love like I'd never experienced it before...the kind of undying love that would cause me to put my entire life on hold to grasp his hand and try to pull him through. The weeks and months following the accident...OMG...just filled to the brim with challenges and victories and heartaches...with pressures and problems and paperwork...with obstacles, laughter and dedication to someone I love, and who to me, IS WORTH going the extra mile for. We have been through so much together...and it just is not as simple as people who care about me, THINK it should be. It's not just a boyfriend/girlfriend break-up issue. I have taken on a responsibility. By being at his side since the day of the accident, every day...watching every step, every therapy, meeting with every doctor, being the one attending every appointment, obtaining power-of-attorney so that I could have full rights to assist at my fullest...I mean, it goes on and on. But by being that person, I am now who kind of holds his life in the palm of my hand. Yes, as I've been told...."his family is now responsible for him, not you"...that's all well and good, and I really have to hand it to them...despite the various challenges in their own lives, they ARE stepping up to the plate to do what they can for him. But the problem is, I don't know...I guess I feel that I have traveled this road with him, and I just can't walk away...nor do I want to. The key phrase here being I DON'T WANT TO. I could wash my hands of him...I could gather my 50lb bag of records and paperwork, hand it to his mom with a list of his doctors and meds and "what do we do now?" lists...I could drop the power of attorney...the being payee for his disability...I could give him a big fat sloppy farewell kiss on the cheek and say "Ok, you guys are all on your own...cuz I'm outta here" 

I can't....I love him...hell, I even care alot for his  mom and sister. I feel badly...I under estimated them.

    So here we are...oh, he is driving me nuts, dont get me wrong...endless...I mean ENDLESS confused calls, voicemails, conversations, and yes, I am a tad frightened of him at times even. I've done a lot of reading past few days, about psychosis and effects of brain injury...it effects some people, unfortunately, in a more severe way...but it CAN heal. I know there is a man inside his heart, that through all his walls of protection and and acting all strong and "untouchable"...IS capable of healing and who loves me. I felt it today, when he thought I was sleeping on his bed, and he spent a long time stroking my face and kissed me on the forehead.  And when I see the joy in his face when he hasn't seen me for a week, and his face lights up like a Christmas tree. And i've felt it so much over the past year as well. I feel and see things that can not be faked... things you feel right down in the center of your tummy...feelings you just know are worthwhile and genuine.

    I plan on not...maybe never...living with him...I mean, from what people in my brain injury support group tell me, there are years left for change and improvement...even almost complete healing...so I should never say never...but for now, given the circumstances,my life, my kids...I also know fully that I need to go on with my own life now...but I can certainly parrellel my life with his. Maybe we will drift apart as he recovers and regains his independance. That's ok too. I will know I got to experience one of life's greatest joys...simply unconditionally loving someone... 

My Biggest Heartaches- 1/09/12

    My biggest heartaches...not knowing if Danny will ever "make it" in life...my missing him soooo much...my awful feelings inside because of my promise to him that this was his home forever (but now that had to change)...the mourning that comes with brain injury because it literally steals away the person you knew and replaces them with a different individual.

    At the point Danny's at right now...recovery-wise...he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him that needs any sort of treatment. His memory is fine. He doesn't see what we see...not knowing what we talked about just an hour ago and so forth.
   
    Right now it's the being apart that is hurting us. I miss him desperately...I feel so lonely without him. Then I wonder if that is a severe sign of co-dependance. I don't know. I just know I hate all this, and that I promised him his home was here...and would always be...and now look! Last night I actually kinda melted down thinking of that. I thought I was all cried out...no...the tears keep regenerating I guess.

    Then there's the issue of him coming to stay over-night. Everything goes well, but past 48hrs it starts to get weird, with him getting an attitude of sorts. And this past Friday when I took him home (he had stayed 3 nights out of necessity due to an appt. being changed) I had a really hard time with him when I tried to leave him at his sister's house. It actually turned into a brawl of sorts. I made up my mind I wouldn't be coming for him until Tuesday when I got off work, but he has been calling me and BEGGING for me to come for him. I'm heartbroken, and all this doesn't make it easier. I know guys can and will say things to try to change your mind, but the problem is that I really don't think he understands what is going on fully. I know he is lost in a world of confusion. Today on the phone he was asking again if I would come get him and bring him home, so he can sleep in our bed and "smell" me, and saying that we have created something together and he needs me. GOD if I thought things would change, I would bring him home and keep him in an instant, but I KNOW we have to push forward with what we are doing. I only wish and hope and pray that the rehab accepts him and that he agrees to go...and stays. Maybe with 90 days of intense therapy he would be better...

    I have more or less come to realize that he may or may not get any better. I feel I have failed...but I know I really shouldn't. Because of his lack of memory about our past almost 3 years, I thought maybe he would just "slide" with this and accept the new direction we are trying to push him into...but it doesn't seem to be going that way. He is suddenly now realizing what has occurred...gradually seeing the gravity of it all. What I wanted him to understand before we came to this point...he is seeing now...when it's a tad too late.

    My heart aches for him. I just wish there was a miracle cure...the God that answered all our prayers in keeping him alive...that God that I would hope can do ANYTHING...why can't he help Danny out of this endless maze...this trap?

   
   

January 5th, 2012

     A rental house Danny and his mom were "sure to get" for next week, fell through yesterday. It sounded to us like the landlady didn't want to rent to them due to his disability...a lot of stupid reasons/excuses. Welcome to the world of discrimination. But perhaps that was for the best. It was next door to one of Danny's mom's old guy friends, who drinks a lot and can be a charecter, although a nice person. I don't think Danny getting involved with someone with those activities would be such a great idea anyway. So they are looking at another apartment tomorrow (Friday). Danny would like to put off this step indefinately and work on buying a car instead, but his thinking is delusional about that. He has no license, and has somewhat of a big process in the way of getting one. Things are getting tense at his sister's house as well, and this can't be put off too very long.
     Meanwhile, Dr. Diorio (Danny's neuropsychologist) continues to STRONGLY reccommend the brain injury rehab (ReMed) and will be having a phone conference with them most likely next week after the admissions committee reviews Danny's files again on Monday. He really needs to get accepted and I know the docter is going to push as hard as possible for it. Then we need to hope Danny agrees to go there. He was all for it, but now he seems to think it's a place to "put him away"...some sort of mental hospital. And he continues insisting there is really nothing at all wrong with him. My heavens how far from the truth.
     It feels like I have him here with me more than not. He stays 2 nights at a time lately with just two nights in between. I don't really mind it, but it does concern me a tad. He talks about just being able to "come home" and that breaks my heart, but I can't go back. It would only result in more crisis all over again after some time, and would do nothing to get him healed. This is so hard.
     Good news is I am returning to work at my pediatric nursing job...three nights a week, which will help me tremendously to get back into the groove. I havn't worked since June, and I miss it, although I do admit enjoying some time off. I'm quite certain I would not have been able to go through all the ordeals with Danny for NEAR as long had I been working.
     I keep having faith, and thinking about my future goals...just kinda small things....small things that are really big in actuality. Spending much more quality time with my kids, possibly furthering my education, writing more...maybe publishing my poetry, stories and even writing a children's book, and starting a little account to add to bit by bit so that I can in maybe two years take my trip to Ireland that I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. My life can be what I want it to be, and I am too old to keep waiting and "putting off". Danny can be part of things in my life, or he can choose not to, but it's time to live again, and because he seems to have given up on living and trying, does not mean I can. So I continue to pray for us both...together...apart...where ever the roads lead us...