Resolve and Dissolve

It is January 2015.

I've contemplated over and over getting rid of this blog...

just deleting it. 

But I can't do it in good conscience.

The journey was real and with so many followers and daily views, (close to 30,000 have read this blog) I realize it is helping others make their way through a mysterious terrain.

The oddest thing about this story, is that it is so closely intertwined with my own story...of domestic abuse.

I traveled a road through life being abused, and it continued with Danny. I mistook attention and purpose for love. For the good times we had, there were twice the bad and sick times. He was and remains riddled with personality disorders and sociopathic traits.

They only intensified following TBI.

Dramatically.

I fooled myself into thinking once again, that I could "change" someone...SAVE them if you will.

No one can do that.

In March 2015 it will be three years since we parted company. I had to obtain a protection order and have him removed and arrested after the violence he bestowed became worse and worse.

It wasn't that I was not warned. My grown children begged me to end the relationship way before I did. After the accident they too gave him another chance to reconcile himself. But he terrorized us, and even my pets.

It's sad. 

Interestingly, a part of me will be forever grateful to him.

I was pushed to such a point of surrender, humiliation and realization, that the culmination of events in my life brought an end to the woman I was.

I changed...from the inside out.

I found that I am a good person...worthwhile, dedicated and full of wonderful things.

I realized I don't need a man in my life to be important...I don't have to take care of people who should be taking care of themselves.

And I don't ever or will never again allow someone to abuse me.

Three years later I head back and forth to court over protection issues. In his still somewhat confused state of mind he continues to harass me. At times I feel it will never end.

I am in a healthy, happy relationship for the first time in my life.

I am muddling through these leftover loose ends and they will hopefully fade more and more as time goes on...

So I leave the blog for others to learn what to expect. Be advised not everyone recovers to a state of at least livability. Some remain vegetative and some recover physically but have such horribly damaged brains that constant care and supervision is needed. Some, who had predisposed mental difficulties only recover to have the worst of them magnified heavily.

I wish happiness, recovery and health to all who read...

YOUR KALEIDOSCOPE

What I look at,
what I see,
its not you anyway.
why does it twist a knife?
I guess love is weird
that way.
You have no clue;
I can't explain;
you will never be who you were...
its all gone.
you live in the past,
a fantasy;
you dont see who loved you...
who laid down their life
for you.
You see things through
a kaleidoscope...
pieces of real amongst a sea
of false;
I see it through
a prism
divided into slices of reality...
the only common thread
being our love
but lost forever.....

-K.M.Q.Farber 5/16/13 

There is and always will be an empty space in my heart where I used to think you would always be until we grew old just like we always talked about. WE knew we would meet the challenges around us and the oneness we felt because we were soul-mates could and would carry us thru any challenge...then came brain injury :-( and it tore us apart, it tore yours and my families apart, it ruined everything. Altho I have gone on and am indeed on a new and happy journey, life will never be the same because I was so comforted knowing we would always face everything together...but you are there and I am here, and things are too insane to ever go back. Your voicemail this AM asked what time we are meeting today for Easter to do something with Nick and have dinner, and here I sit crying, cuz in your mind you don't even realize its been a year since the final break, and 9 mo. since I've been close enough to hold you... :'-(

Two Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today, I was sitting at a hospital bedside holding the hand of the love of my life, watching him struggle to stay alive...a broken mess. It was the start of a long and painful journey that even now when I look back, I find hard to comprehend. My life NOW is so busy...I really don't know how I got through the day to day repetition of each phase of mine and Danny's journey. Well I suppose I do know...when that knock comes at your door, and someone you love is hurt and their life is at stake, everything else just collapses by the wayside. Your priorities shift dramatically...you move robotically through the hours as they turn to days, then weeks and eventually months. That's how it was for me. The hours and weeks when machines kept him going as he lie "sleeping"...the infections that wracked him and repeatedly took back all the headway he gained each time...the awakening process, the wild thrashing in bed while I tried to contain him and protect him...the emotional roller coasters of dealing with doctors and family...the struggle to maintain a continuum of life for the rest of my family...for my children.  Little by little the awful things became replaced with joyous things...hearing first words, seeing first steps, watching emotions go from crazy to more even-keeled, leaps and bounds of physical progress...feeding tube and trach coming out followed by drinking and eating again. Steps toward problem solving, reasoning...endlessly pushing in a wheel chair, then even more endlessly walking, walking, walking...falling into bed every night exhausted, scared, hopeful, angry, happy, hurt...always a huge spectrum of emotions...crying...laughing...

As weeks became months and Danny was back home with me, there were the hour long trips back n forth to rehab in Allentown three times a week...car rides that were often nerve-wracking...numerous stops so he could get out of the car and move around...taking the inside of the car apart all the way down and back...listening to his emotional outbursts...physical therapy sessions going well...cognitive sessions not so well...months of working just to remember a date, phone number...pictures on papers...when and what did he eat, what did he do an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago. Many things that til this day haven't gotten much better. The wild confabulative stories his brain had him believe were true situations...his fifteen lost cars, his missing sums of money and credit cards, tools, cds, stereo equipment...driving around all hours of the day and night looking for things that simply didn't exist...approaching friends and relatives over and over...me trying to be sure people he came in contact with understood what he was going through...small bursts of success, followed by gradual declines in emotional areas...

My saving grace was the brain injury support group i'd connected with...with spouses, girl friends, parents, all going through different stages of what was for the most part the same journey. After day time and its dolling out of medications, doctor and psych visits, struggling to encourage a good diet, dealing with ramblings and emotional outbursts...when he was tucked in bed for the night, it was my support group friends who helped me maintain some semblance of sanity. They took my frantic phone calls or messages...supported, prayed, shared their own hardships...

As time went on it became clear that Danny was regressing. He was filled with anger, confusion, and his emotional state was worsening. He was having more and more bouts of loss of control, and doing erratic things...behaviorally he was affecting my family more and more. I could see that there had to be a change...an end to it. It broke my heart...especially when we had long talks about it and he himself tried to convince me that we both knew it had to stop. He didn't want to hurt anyone...he was lost. For several months we discussed it over and over...not ever wanting to let each other go, yet both knowing it was what was going to have to happen. And so along that path we moved...making a gradual break...him leaving to live with his family and coming home just for visits. After some time even that had to end...

The paths of our journey eventually separated...because they had to...the way they were meant to I suppose. I will always love Danny with all my heart...I know that will never change...but my life has had to change. I will always look back on this incredible journey as a gift in a way...a very valuable life experience. I witnessed agony, miracles, faith, the power of prayer, the strength of love. The tragedy of traumatic brain injury can be cruel. For me though, I realized there is always a reason...a higher plan, brought on by the things that occur in our lives. The pain and tears bring us through to the other side...toward where we were meant to be today. I was led to a new side of my life...a new conception of myself...I was shown that the purpose of two paths crossing sometimes isn't well understood until long after. My heart continues to ever so slowly mend...it's taking time...a long time. 

Two years ago today I lost someone I love very much...there is no grave to visit...I can only visit my memories...

Attempts

Your longing for Me

 is my message to you.

All your attempts to reach Me
Are in reality

 my attempts to reach you ♥

-unknown author

Will Always...

I will always want you...

we both know our love will never die, 

no matter what anyone else wants or says. 

I feel lost without you so often,

 yet strangely, 

because of you,

 I'm NOT lost anymore without you. 

You are a vital chapter in my life t

hat i've needed to go on reading past...

because my life and my family's lives, must go on.

 But you are always only a thought, 

a smile,

 a breath,

 a heartbeat away from me. 

What we say must be for always now, 

doesn't mean it always will mean the same thing a year, 2 years or 10 years from now.

You were my first love, and my last lover.

The space where we touched is sacred, 

and will lie dormant

 as my life goes on separate from, yet parallel to, yours, 

as I go on through and to new things...

and perhaps God willing,

 by chance of some miracle I refuse to stop believing in,

 life and love will lead us back to one another... someday. 

Then what is still together yet apart,

 will be whole again. 

Thank you for the gifts you unknowingly gave me sweetheart...

I LOVE YOU...

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Sad Realization (Sept 2012)

That sad realization
 that just because you love someone,
 it doesn't mean they will ever change, 
that you can ever be together again for your own good, 
and perhaps that you are and will always remain better off without them. 
It hurts like a bed of nails, 
but that doesn't mean the pain will last forever...
time heals the deepest wounds...
and healing comes by living day to day doing the very best you can...